Some guy who likes rapists writes:
Dude, drop the Roethlisberger penis envy. Comes off really sad. The guy won two Super Bowls and what have you done? Wrote ten shitty jokes. Sorry you can't get over your petty jealousy but it just makes you look pathetic.
Wow, I never really thought of it that way, but maybe I am jealous. Or maybe there is more to life than Super Bowl rings and money, I'm not sure. So let's make a comparison of our lives and see if I could secretly be jealous of Ben Rapistberger, or if I'm really just enjoying the hell out of seeing a guy who's been a tool since I first met him in seventh grade finally start getting his.
THINGS ABOUT BEN RAPISTBERGER'S LIFE I COULD BE JEALOUS OF:
1. He has a much cooler job than me.
2. He has a lot more money than I will ever have.
THINGS ABOUT MY LIFE THAT ARE BETTER THAN BEN RAPISTBERGER'S:
1. My name isn't synonymous with atrocities to women.
2. I've never been accused of said atrocities.
3. I've never been suspended from my job.
4. I'm not an embarassment to my family, friends, coworkers, employer, people from my hometown, and pretty much everyone else who has ever been associated with me.
5. I don't have friends quoted anonymously in national publications talking about what a toolbag I am and how they hope I get my shit together soon.
6. I'm not the centerpiece of articles in said publications about the dangers of arrogance and entitlement.
7. I've never worried that a female paying attention to me was only doing it so she could later have half my money.
8. I'm not banned from restaurants and bars because I leave without paying my tab.
9. My own personal catchphrase isn't "Do you know who I am?"
10. I'm not a walking punch line.
Hmm, let's think. No, not jealous. I'll take my life any day. But I do appreciate your concern.