So. Just saw the new X-Men movie, First Class. It sucked. Balls. Big balls. Big floppy horse balls. Awful movie, shouldn't have been made, waste of time, and crapped all over the franchise. Having said that, I have some questions...
Why is it every single time we get a great villain's back story the reason he goes bad is always because his mommy died?
And why is it every single time we get a great villain's back story he was always a whiny pussy?
So little Charles Xavier wakes up because he thinks he hears an intruder and goes to investigate. Why? What little kid is going to go investigate an intruder? Wouldn't they call the police instead? Or at least wake their parents up so they can look into it?
And when he went downstairs he sees Mystique, who tries to trick him into thinking she's his mom, only for him to find out that she is, in fact, an intruder as he had feared. Why was he cool with her breaking into his house just because she was another mutant?
And was that family in the habit of adopting intruders or were they just experimenting?
I get when movie-makers take creative liberties with comic book history and forget or ignore what happened in the comic books, but is it too much to ask that they remember their own God damn movies and keep consistent with them? Xavier (who is much older than Mystique in the first three X-Men movies) was the same age as her when they met? Did she age slower then him?
And speaking of forgetting what the hell happened in your own movies, how is it that White Queen was a teenager in the Wolverine movie, which showed Charles Xavier as an old man, yet she's a full grown woman in this movie in which Xavier is a recent college grad?
And is Kevin Bacon's mutant power that he keeps getting movie roles despite being a terrible actor?
How is it frat-boy Xavier's "You're a mutant because of (insert unusual feature of chick he's hitting on) so be a mutant and proud?" actually worked? I thought my pickup line of "Hey, I have a tiny, crooked penis. Wanna fuck?" was bad.
I'm fine with putting your fictional characters into a historical setting surrounded by actual historical events, but why the hell do movie-makers insist on actually inserting those fictional characters as historical players into events that really happened? So the Cuban missile crisis was actually caused by a mutant who wanted to spark a nuclear holocaust to get rid of all the humans? Just hokey and stupid.
When Xavier walked into the CIA, how shitty of him was it to blatantly call out Hank McCoy as a mutant?
So was Wolverine's "Go fuck yourselves" line the best thing in this movie by a long mile or what?
So not only are the filmmakers inconsistent within their storylines, they're inconsistent within their own fucking movie. Weren't Xavier and Mystique supposed to be the same age when they met? How is it as soon as they're hired by the CIA Xavier is the grownup and Mystique is a kid (evidence by the fact she's partying with the other teenage mutant ninja X-men at the CIA building where they're dancing, listening to music, and showing off their powers)?
Boy, Xavier and Magneto went from not knowing each other at all to being BFF's awful fast didn't they?
So Magneto and Mystique were banging right after the scene where they show how young Mystique apparently is? Statutory rape much?
Although for a blue chick she's not bad. Can't say I wouldn't be tempted.
And why is it okay for them to be showing full frontal nude shots of her? Is it because she's blue so she doesn't count as being naked? Because those certainly looked like big blue boobs to me.
Or don't they count since she doesn't appear to have nipples?
And is anyone surprised that I'm fixating on the big blue boobs out of everything in this movie?
Back to the inserting fictional characters into historical events, so not only was a mutant responsible for the Cuban missile crisis, but mutants were responsible for preventing nuclear war too? Do these dipshits not realize that watching a movie requires a certain suspension of disbelief, and when you rewrite actual history it makes that harder for us as an audience?
And how shitty is it that the mutants just averted nuclear war, and the people they just saved immediately fire missiles at them?
And doesn't that kind of make Magneto the good guy now? I mean by firing missiles at mutants who just saved your lives you've just declared open war on mutants so doesn't it make perfect sense that Magneto would respond in kind?
And doesn't that whole situation make Professor X look like the world's biggest chump for wanting to just be friends with the people who just fired missiles at him mere minutes after he saved their lives? I mean if avoiding a nuclear holocaust isn't enough to get people to treat mutants with respect, what does he think he's going to do to improve the situation?
And again with the continuity problems within the X-Men movies, how is it that in the Wolverine movie Professor X is old, but still able to walk, yet in this movie he's young and gets paralyzed? Did he get un-paralyzed and then re-paralyzed?
How is it that Professor X takes the other mutants back to his house to open the school, yet he erases his girlfriend's memory of the place to hide it from the government? Wasn't he just working for the government?
No seriously, he was working with the fucking CIA, who all of a sudden can't find him even though he didn't change his name and went straight back to the same house his family has lived in for years? Can't they just look on his W2 to see where he lives?
And if the fucking CIA was so God damn incompetent that they can't find a former employee, how did Magneto not go in and just immediately wreck the entire government instead of still being at it decades later? Did they suddenly get a lot more efficient when they realized how fucking pathetic it was that the CIA couldn't find their own damn employee who hadn't really done anything to hide?
And do I really care enough to plunk down my money to see any future X-Men movies after sitting through this horse shit?