My wife and I disagree on something. Actually, two things. You see, I'm the kind of guy who likes to drink a beer. I don't just mean when we go to a bar. I mean I like to come home from work and drink a beer. Just one. Not to get drunk. The end goal is to finish a single beer. I don't get carried away with it, I just like to drink a beer. She doesn't like the idea of just having beer in the refrigerator for no reason. To her, the only reason to have beer in the house is if we're having people over to drink. And it isn't because she has a problem with alcohol. I get pretty drunk from time to time and it's perfectly okay. She just doesn't like the idea of sitting at home drinking a beer for no reason because to her, it's very white trashy. That's the first thing we disagree on. She doesn't like just having beer sitting in the fridge. I do. But since I'm the man, we have beer in the fridge.
So in response to her assertion that having beer in the fridge is very white trashy, I decided to point out the obvious. Maybe we're a little white trashy. I'm the kind of guy who likes to sit around in his underpants drinking Bud Light (which is a little white trashy) and she married me, so she's guilty by association. This is the second thing we disagree on. I maintain that we are in fact a tad white trashy and she is in denial. The other day I went to Chipotle for lunch by myself. I had a burrito and a Bud Light. Now, call me crazy, but if I saw some other fat guy sitting in a Mexican restaurant by himself with a burrito and a Bud Light, I'd think, "That guy's pretty white trashy." And I'm okay with that. And while I'm at it, "Burrito and a Bud Light" sounds like a fabulous song. I'm totally going to have to write that now.
So to resolve this little disagreement, I decided to write one of my famous self-diagnosis tests such as The Asshole Test and The Hillbilly Test. The following is a series of multiple-choice questions, each with four choices. Pick the answer that best fits you. For each "A" answer, don't give yourself any points. For each "B" answer, give yourself 1 point. For each "C" answer, give yourself 5 points. For each "D" answer, give yourself 10 points. Count up your points at the end and see where you score. Grab a paper and pencil and let's take...
1. After a hard day at work you like to:
A. Take a cold shower
B. Drink a beer
C. Head straight to the bar
D. Hit the first thing I see when I walk in the door
2. Your favorite "sport" is:
C. Pro Wrestling
3. You have a bumper sticker with:
A. My favorite political candidate
B. Something about Jesus
C. At least one cuss word
D. "My kid just beat up your honor student"
4. The Jerry Springer show is:
A. Disgusting and appalling
C. Fun to go on
D. My family's source for free vacations
5. If you were invited to a wedding reception with an open bar, for the toast you would drink:
A. A non-alcoholic beverage
D. I would probably be passed out before it was time for the toast
6. You always go out for:
A. Wednesday night church service
B. Poker night with the guys
C. My bowling league
D. Ladies' night at the bar
7. The youngest you would ever date or have sex with someone is:
A. I would only be with someone whose age was within a few years of mine
B. Anyone who's 18 is fair game, no matter how old I am
C. If she looks like she could be 18, I ain't asking questions
D. If there's grass on the field, play ball
8. You wear your wedding ring (or would wear one if you were married):
A. All the time
B. Only if my wife made me
C. All the time, except when I'm picking up chicks at the bar
D. All the time, except when I'm picking up chicks at the middle school
9. Your dream home is:
A. A nice comfortable home for me and my family
B. Anything in a good neighborhood
C. My own trailer
D. My own cell
10. Your education went as far as:
B. A high school diploma
C. A G.E.D.
D. I dropped out of my G.E.D. program
11. Your criminal record contains:
A. Nothing. I have a clean record.
B. A couple speeding tickets and/or traffic violations
C. Nothing worth bragging about
D. I spent so much time with my parole officer, we started dating
12. If you went to a company picnic, you would wear:
A. Khakis and a polo
B. A t-shirt and jeans
C. A Bengals jersey
D. My very best Dale Earnhardt jacket and Coors Light cap
13. Your idea of a shopping spree is
A. Spending my bonus money from work
B. Spending my Stimulus check
C. Garage sale day in my trailer park
D. Woohoo! First of the month! Welfare day!
14. Women are:
B. Cute when they think their opinions matter
C. Only good for burgers, blowjobs, and babies
D. Nice to have around since they usually don't hit you back
15. You work:
A. Full time (Assuming no schooling, people in school can work less and still receive 0 points)
B. Part time
C. Only when my unemployment runs out or they kick me off welfare
D. Work? Why would I work? That's what my wife is for.
16. Tattoos are:
B. Okay if you don't have more than one or two
C. A good means of expressing yourself
D. A good way to cover up that disgusting skin
17. You have:
A. 0-2 kids
B. 3-4 kids
C. More than 4 kids
D. As many as they'll give me welfare for
18. Your idea of going somewhere everybody knows your name is:
A. Your favorite restaurant
B. The local bar
C. The bus station
D. The police station
19. Your idea of dressing up is:
A. Wearing a suit and tie
B. Wearing jeans and a sport jacket
C. Wearing a clip-on tie
D. Wearing a tuxedo t-shirt
20. You keep updated on your family members by:
A. Talking to them on the phone
B. Family reunions
C. The Docket
D. Watching COPS
Okay, it's time to tally up your points and see where you rank on the White Trash scale.
If you scored 0-10...
Not White Trash.
Congratulations. You're safe.
If you scored 11-25...
A Little Trashy
You definitely have some trashy traits, but you are still likely able to function in normal society. Your trashiness is probably most evident when alcohol is involved. You could also be in this category by association with more serious white trash offenders. Just like...
And, for the record, me. I scored a 24, putting me in the same white trash category as Pamela Anderson and just barely shy of full-blown White Trash.
If you scored 26-50...
I'm sorry, but you're white trash. If it's any consolation, you could be even worse.
If you scored 51-100...
You've probably deluded yourself into believing you're really a "bad boy" but actually, you're just white trash. Just like...
If you scored 101 or more...
Waste Of A Human Life
The most serious kind of white trash. Far beyond normal white trash, people in this category probably go to great lengths to convince themselves they aren't white trash. They may not live in trailer parks or prisons, but as we see all the time with trashy celebrities, you can take the white trash out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the white trash. You can pretend all you want, but deep down, you're just trashy. Just like...