As most of you who have followed the site for any length of time are probably aware of, I am engaged. Yes, hard to believe as it is, the same guy who laughs about changing his woman's water dish daily has actually tricked a real live woman into marrying him. The big day is fast approaching, December 29th for those of you keeping score at home, and I'm finding something out. The whole procedure is very sexist. Guys, consider yourselves warned. When it comes to all things wedding related, your opinions doesn't matter. It's all about the woman. Sure, your woman will pretend to care what you want, but when it comes down to it, it's all about her.
For example, before getting engaged, I didn't even know weddings had themes. I just kind of figured you put on your tux, said the big words, took some pictures, ate some cake, and then went home and fucked like jackrabbits who just got out of prison. Oh no. Apparently there 's all this extraneous bullshit I didn't even know about, like a theme. So my fiance asked me what kind of theme I would like. So I gave her two choices. I said we should either have a World of Warcraft theme or a Spiderman theme. But apparently that's not appropriate for weddings. Oh, but Cinderella is. Fucking Cinderella. You see, sexist.
Then there's the attire for the event. I thought it would be funny if everyone wore all black. I haven't had an idea shot down so quickly by a woman, since my junior prom date told me she'd go with someone else if I picked her up in the hearse I'd arranged for. Fucking women. No sense of humor at all. So then I got to look at the choices of tuxedos I will be wearing along with the guys in the wedding party. Once again, she didn't like my choice. A zoot suit with pinstripes, a bowler hat, and a pocket watch. I thought it looked hella cool. Again, I was overruled. You seeing a pattern here?
Then when it came time to decide on the catering I was shot down again. Apparently Taco Bell and Skyline Chili aren't classy enough for a wedding. My ass.
And now we come to the most sexist part of all, the gift registry. You see, wedding presents are allegedly supposed to be things for the newlywed couple that will benefit them in their new life. First of all, I've lived by myself for four years now and I've been just fine with what I have. So I figured we would just register for things that we would like that would be nice to have. And by we I thought it meant both of us.
Oh no. When we went to register, I held the scanner gun, we walked through the store, and any time some lily crap caught my fiance's eye, I scanned. We spent seven hours registering for toys for her. You see, that's all it really is. You're registering for toys for the woman. Fancy new kitchen stuff that will make cooking fun and make the food look pretty. Flowery, frilly shit for the bathroom and living room. Fancy mirrors and decorations for the bedroom. That's all it is. Toys for grown women. Apparently, women's toys are supposed to be for both of us, even though I'm pretty sure I'm never going to use 80% of the shit we registered for. But that's the way it is. Women's toys are for the couple. Men's toys, on the other hand, are inappropriate to ask for on a gift registry. The one thing my fiance approved to add for me was an electric shaver. Well whoop-dee-fucking-do. I'll have loads of fun with that. Computer games, DVD's, Nintendo Wi, porno's, and anything else that just might bring happiness to my life was excluded from the list. Hell, I had to be really sneaky and wait until my fiance wasn't looking to scan the plastic soap dispenser that looks like a monkey. Oh come on, tell me you wouldn't want to squeeze your soap out of a plastic monkey. It's just plain funny.
So you see guys, weddings are sexist. I never should have gotten engaged. I should have just stuck with my old lifestyle of a pimp who hangs out at the middle school to pick up chicks. Ah, those were the days.
people are wondering if I really hang out by the middle school to pick up chicks