Women sometimes irk me. You see, women have a responsibility in our culture to look pretty. They can't fix things, drive safely, or solve problems like men can, so they really need to nail those things they do well, like making babies, cooking me a meat loaf, and being pretty. But some women sort of ignore this cultural duty and instead do stupid things that make themselves ugly. Such as...
Getting short haircuts. Dudes have short hair. Dudes are ugly. Therefore, you should not be doing things dudes do, because then you will also be ugly.
Speaking of chicks' hair, dying it weird colors. No human being is born with green or purple hair. There is a reason no human being is born with green or purple hair. Green or purple hair is ugly and stupid. Do not dye your hair green or purple or you will also look ugly and stupid.
Again with chicks' hair, whatever the hell that hairstyle is with your hair longer in the front than it is in the back. It's even worse than emo haircuts.
Speaking of which, emo haircuts. Okay I think we've covered hair sufficiently now.
Actually no we haven't. Shave yourself where appropriate. There's nothing more gross than some chick with hairy armpits. I have hairy armpits. You do not want to look like me.
Don't have a mustache. This one probably isn't intentional, but seriously, a chick with a mustache is fucking disgusting. The only thing I can think of right now that's more revolting than a chick with a mustache would be elephants fucking at the zoo.
Getting tattoos. Tattoos are gross on chicks. They just are.
Getting fucked-up piercings. Nothing looks classier than a chick with more metal in her face than was used to build my car. Eyebrow rings are the absolute worst. You're not being a rebel. You're just ugly.
Excessive makeup. A little makeup is okay. But if you look like you're wearing a fucking mask, you went too far.
Tacky or excessive jewelry. First of all, jewelry of any kind is fucking stupid anyway. It doesn't do anything but sit there taking up space and looking like you think too highly of yourself. Then when people overdo it, it just looks ridiculous. Oh and those big hoop earrings need to go. They make you look like a fucking carnival fortune teller.
Big gawdy glasses. Either wear contacts or keep the glasses simple and tasteful. If you wear big, gawdy, glasses with huge obnoxious rims, nobody will ever love you.
Brightly colored panty-hose. I saw a chick today with, I shit you not, neon green panty-hose. Fucking neon green panty-hose.
Clothes that are too tight. It's okay to be a big girl, but if you're a big girl, don't dress like a little girl.
And don't try to show off stuff we all know you don't have. That just makes us laugh at you.
Most importantly, keep your mouth closed. Women look much better when their mouths are closed.
women now realize the errors of their ways