Well, it's a boy. At least they think it's a boy. You never know 100% sure until it pops out, but a few days ago, the nurse who did my wife's most recent ultrasound was pretty sure she could see "male organs" as she called it, so it looks like it's a boy. I'm kind of surprised, because with it being my kid, if anything, I would expect it to be declared a girl because they couldn't see a dick, only for it to pop out a boy with a really small dick. So that's good, apparently my unborn kid already has a more noticeable dick than me.
But now this leaves us with the issue of naming. Now that we know what it's going to be, we really need to pick out a name. Which isn't as simple as it sounds, for a few reasons. First, with the last name being Brown (which last I saw was the third most common last name in America behind Smith and Jones), there's a lot of names that are out the window automatically. Brown is boring enough. You don't want to compound the boredom of making it a John Brown or Joe Brown or Chris Brown. Of course (as evidenced by those names) if you go with a common name, you tend to run the risk of picking a name that a celebrity also has, leading stupid people to assume either a familial connection or that you named your kid after that celebrity.
Of course, that leads to the second big problem we face. When trying to give a child a unique name that isn't too weird, you can run into problems with those unique names being closely associated with someone else just based on the unique first name alone. For example, Dexter was in the early running for a boy name until literally everyone my wife told said "OH YOU MEAN LIKE THE SERIAL KILLER WHAT'S ON MY TV?!?!?! DERRRRRRRRRRRR!" Of course, when I hear the name Dexter, I think of either Dexter Holland (the lead singer of The Offpsring), or Dexter Jackson (the Super Bowl MVP from the year Tampa Bay won). There's also a cartoon called Dexter, but alas, many people automatically assume serial killer, so that's out.
The last problem is that we want to avoid any names of any friends or family members for three reasons. Secondly, we don't want the friend or family member to presume that our kid was named after them, because it would be incorrect. No, you're just not that important for me to name my first child after you, sorry. Second, we don't want other people getting jealous because they think we named our kid after someone else when they think we should've named it after them. And lastly, we don't want to have to constantly repeat "No, we didn't name after that person, it's just a coincidence because we liked the name."
So you see, naming is going to be a much bigger problem than one would think at first. So now we're left trying to decide on a unique name that doesn't conjure up any images of celebrities or other friends or relatives. So I've come up with a list of names (in alphabetical order)that I think would make great names for my first child.
POTENTIAL NAMES FOR THE ACRAPPYWEBSITE.COM BABY:
- Apu
- Batman
- Beavis
- Borat
- Drizzt
- Gandalf
- Link
- Neo
- Officer Barbrady
- R2D2
- Silent Bob
- Slash
- Sonic the Hedgehog
- The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
- The Rock
- Thrall
- Quagmire
- Wee-Man
And no, I don't want you to email me with your suggestions. I'm not naming my kid after you and I don't care what you think is a really good name. If you like the name so much, have your own damn kid.
people think Cartman would be a better South Park name than Officer Barbrady