I really need to find myself a good old-fashioned barber shop. You know, run by some big fat guy in his 40's with a beer gut that hangs out of his shirt and Playboy magazines in the magazine rack. These chick-run salons are really getting on my nerves. Every time I go, I'm subjected to a whole new and different topic of conversation that is at a third grade intellectual level. Last time it was how poor white trash get screwed over by the banking system because Wal-Mart charges them to cash their paychecks but they can't open a bank account because those bastards at the bank charge them overdraft fees. The time before that it was a terribly boring conversation about how the dumb bitch who was cutting my hair was married to this major asshole who never listens to her and cheats on her but she still loves him and blah blah blah. Today was even better. And this time it wasn't the stupid bimbos cutting my hair.
Today it was this old racist Christian lady babbling to this other old racist Christian lady about politics and religion (you know, the two best topics to talk about in a public place surrounded by people you don't know at all). At first I just tried to ignore the dumb bitch and read a Sporting News article about the uselessness of All-Star games in major sports, but it kept getting harder. The more the bitch talked, the more pissed off she got, the louder she got, the more animated she got, and the more laughable the stupid shit she was saying got. Finally, after her statement of "I refuse to call that man in the White House the President because he is NOT my president," I couldn't contain myself. I just started laughing. The following conversation ensued. I've taken the liberty of putting my words in red.
Stupid Bitch: Excuse me, is there something funny?
Randy: Yes. Everything you are saying I am finding completely hilarious.
Bitch: How is it funny? It's all true.
Randy: For example, you just said that you refuse to call President Obama the President because he isn't YOUR president.
Bitch: He's NOT my president.
Randy: Are you a United States citizen?
Bitch: Well obviously.
Randy: Isn't Obama the president of the United States?
Bitch: Supposedly.
Randy: Supposedly, I like that. So how is it you are a citizen of the United States, yet the president of the United States isn't your president?
Bitch: Because he isn't legally the president. He isn't even a citizen, he's a terrorist, and he's an evil, wicked man. He's the most morally corrupt person to ever step foot into Washington D.C. He isn't even a Christian.
Randy: First of all, if the United States government accepts him as a United States citizen, who are you to say he isn't? Second of all. there is no evidence whatsoever of any kind that he is even remotely involved with any terrorist acitivity. Third of all, most politicians are morally corrupt, and he is actually less so than a lot of people and has done some very morally respectable things since he has been in office. Fourth of all, we do not have an official religion therefore being a member of a particular religion in no way disqualifies someone from being President.
Bitch: This is a Christian nation founded on Christian principals. Most of the writers of the Constitution were church members who worshipped God every Sunday.
Randy: That statement by itself demonstrates exactly why America is NOT a Christian nation. If it were a Christian nation, they wouldn't have allowed anybody who wasn't a Christian to be involved with the framing of the government. Also, if they were trying to form a Christian nation, they would have included provisions establishing Christianity as an official relgion, when in fact they did the opposite and prohibited the government from establishing an official religion.
Bitch: But God is included on our money and in the pledge of Allegiance.
Randy: Yes, both of those have references to God. Very good. However, the term "God" is a generic term that can mean any divine being conceived of as a God by any number of faiths. Depending who you talk to, the word God can mean any deity ever worshipped from the Judeo-Christian God Jehovah to Shiva to Zeus to the flying spaghetti monster from the Juju mountains of South Africa. Having a generic reference to an unspecified deity does not mean a nation's government is establishing one particular religion. But even if it were denoting the Judeo-Christian version of God, who is to say which particular religion or even division of Christianity is that established form? Catholics, Protestants, Mormons, Quakers, Muslims, and Jews, all worship who is essentially the same God, even if they have different names for him.
Bitch: Well it's clearly supposed to be the Christian God no matter what you say and Obama is still a wicked man who is going to take our already morally bankrupt country and flush it even further down the toilet.
Randy: So you think George Bush was a morally upstanding man I presume.
Bitch: Yes, and Obama is wicked.
Randy: So you agree with Bush's moral decision to allow the military to use torture against suspected terrorists and you disagree with Obama's immoral decision to crack down on that behavior and to close down military prisons that were using torture"
Bitch: Bush didn't know anything about that.
Randy: Oh I'm sure he didn't. And I presume you also agree with Bush's decision to give his oil tycoon buddies tax breaks so they get richer while their employees work more hours to maintain a lower standard of living. And I presume you also agree with Bush's decision to just hand out corporate bailout money that went straight into the executives' personal bank accounts while their employees had their hours cut, salaries lowered, or even lost their jobs? And I also presume you are against Obama's wicked decision to place a salary cap on executives from companies receiving bailout money?
Bitch: Oh so you're a Communist? Now it all makes sense.
Randy: If by "Communist" you mean someone who thinks it's disgusting for executives to siphon tax money into their own wallets while they're laying off thousands of people who work their asses off, then yes, I am very much a Communist.
Bitch: All I know is that Obama is immoral and corrupt and he is what this country deserves with their filth. Generations of pornography, violence, and sin have led us to this and now God is allowing this to happen so that his children will pray and believe and we can turn the mess around that the rest of you atheists have made, and that as such Obama is NOT MY president.
Randy: First of all, there are far more people in this country who are Christian than who are atheist, so if anybody is ruining this country, don't look at the few, look at the many. Second of all, the Bible is very clear on matters of Earthly authority. The fact is, as a proclaimed Christian, you are under a moral obligation to respect your Earthly authority as the Bible will plainly tell you.
Bitch: And just what would someone like you know about the Bible?
Randy: As far as your obligation to respect moral authority there are two Biblical precedents. First, though it is usually applied to taxes, Jesus himself said "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and give to God what is God's. Second, Jesus and also Paul instructed even slaves to obey their masters. So if the people on which your religion are based are okay with slaves obeying their masters, I don't see where you get the idea that you don't have to respect the authority of a leader at the national level. And as for what I think I know about the Bible, I was a Christian for 20 years and I can guarantee you I've forgotten more about the Bible than you will ever know.
Bitch: That's a laugh.
Randy: Yes, it is, but not for you. If you are so confident that you know the Bible, then you won't be afraid to answer a couple simple questions that Christians who claim to know the Bible get wrong every single time.
Bitch: Fine, go ahead with your juvenile little trivia.
Randy: I will. First question. In his letters, Paul wrote several times of the institution of marriage. He had two bits of advice for single men about to get married. One was not to marry an unbeliever. What was his other advice to single men considering marriage?
Bitch: To not get divorced.
Randy: Wrong. Paul's other advice was to not get married. Paul felt that marriage got in the way of a relationship with God and that the only reason to get married was if you couldn't control yourself sexually. Are you ready for the next question?
Bitch: Fine, but nothing obscure like that was.
Randy: Well I didn't think the opinion on marriage of the New Testament's primary writer was an obscure thing to ask about, but okay. Are you familiar with the saying "God helps those who help themselves?"
Bitch: Of course. Isn't everybody?
Randy: You're right, probably everybody has heard that, so this isn't very obscure. My question is, who said it?
Bitch: Jesus.
Randy: Wrong. The phrase "God helps those who help themselves" is not in the Bible anywhere. Old Testament or New. It is an old saying of a religious nature that has over the years become a major misconception because Christians such as yourself claim to know the Bible yet don't even read it, so they have no idea what is actually in there. So just as I suspected, you didn't know one of the major teachings of the primary New Testament writer and you're assuming stuff is in the Bible that isn't there because you haven't read it to know better.
Bitch: Whatever. You obviously don't know anything and you've thrown your soul away. I hope you're happy when you're burning in hell with the other moral filth that have turned this country into a den of thieves.