For years, I've been a Steven Seagal fan. I just can't help it. There's just something about his thoughtful dialogue, complex plotlines, and unmatched acting ability that makes me want to watch every Steven Seagal movie the day it comes out. For years I thought to myself, "I wish I could write action movies like that." Finally, I managed to stumble across the secrets of his movies. While this knowledge could disrupt the balance of action movie-making as we know it, I decided to share with all of you these industry secrets. By the time you finish reading this, you will have written your very own Steven Seagal movie.
To write your own Steven Seagal movie you will need three things. First, a piece of paper. Second, something to write with, such as a pen or pencil. Third, you will need a standard six-sided die. The way it works is I will go through the crucial background and plot points one by one. For each point you will have 6 options. Roll the die for each plot point and use the corresponding selection to write your movie. After you have selected all your plot points, combine them and just like that, your very own Steven Seagal movie. Enjoy.
Steven Seagal plays a:
2. Intelligence agent
3. Intelligence agent stationed in a random podunk former Soviet Union nation
4. Retired former special military forces agent
6. Owner of a small business in an Italian neighborhood
His name is:
His sidekick is:
1. His buddy from the force
2. His college roomate
3. A rookie on the force
4. An angry feminist who always insists she can handle herself in fights
5. The first suspect who is arrested, then they find out he's innocent
6. A random black guy
His sidekick is played by:
1. Tom Arnold
2. Another goofy, middle-aged, overweight, white guy
3. A rapper
4. A woman you've never heard of, but who probably has a nice rack
5. A retired professional athlete
6. A black comedian
The movie's bad guy is:
1. Kris Kristofferson
2. A Mexican with a mullet
3. A white guy with a mullet who has several henchmen who are Mexicans with mullets
4. A Russian named Boris
5. A Russian named Ivan, who has a bodyguard named Boris
6. A crooked cop, who winds up being Steven's Seagal's best friend, making for a very painful and emotional climax
To get to the bad guy Steven Seagal has to:
1. Find his hideout by tailing the bad guy's top henchman
2. Infiltrate the bad guy's ranks using a clever disguise such as glasses or a banana nose
3. Kick enough henchmen's asses that the bad guy comes out of hiding
4. Use some newfangled technology that the goofy sidekick explains to him to find the bad guy
5. Pose as a buyer of whatever drugs or weapons the bad guy is selling
6. Stand around explaining Buddhist philosophy to his sidekick until they inexplicably get a lead
The final showdown between Steven Seagal and the bad guy takes place at:
1. The bad guy's mansion in a New York suburb
2. The bad guy's mansion in the middle of-Butt Fucking Egypt, Russia
3. The streets of Seagal's Italian neighborhood
4. The bad guy's underground hideout
5. The White House
6. A farm somewhere
Steven Seagal wins the final showdown with the bad guy by:
1. Kicking his ass with a poolstick
2. Karate-kicking him into a pile of explosives
3. Lighting a match, then setting fire to a trail of gunpowder leading to the bad guy
4. Tricking the bad guy into walking into the same room the bad guy rigged to blow up, then setting off the detonator as he smiles at the bad guy
5. Talking him to death
6. Kicking his ass into a corner, where the goofy sidekick was waiting with a shovel and a burlap sack
As the bad guy is carted off to prison or the morgue, Steven's parting words are:
1. "I guess crime doesn't pay after all."
2. "You won't be needing all that money where you're going."
3. "So long dirt bag."
4. "Don't worry, I'm sure a pretty guy like you will make plenty of friends in the slammer."
5. "I told you this was my neighborhood."
6. "You just got served."