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I know some people drive a little slower than others, and that's ok. I don't expect everyone on the road to drive ten miles over the speed limit at all times. In fact, it's better that most people don't, because if they did, we'd have more accidents.

However, if you are a slower driver, when you are merging onto a highway with traffic going 65+ mph, and there are cars behind you also attempting to merge onto the same highway, and you're only going 40 mph, SPEED THE FUCK UP!

I am so fucking tired of merging onto busy highways behind ignorant dildos who think only going 20-30 mph under the speed limit is a good fucking idea. It's not asshole. As a matter of fact, it's a very dangerous fucking idea and one of these days I'm just know I'm going to be in an accident because some shithead in front of me is going 30 miles under the speed limit, meaning that's all the faster I can go, and I'm going to be hit by a semi because I couldn't go any faster than the dicknose in front me.

And if I die in that accident, I just want you all to know, I am going to come haunt the living shit out of that person and all their descendants for all of fucking eternity. Seriously. Every single time that fuckhead opens a door, I'll close it. Every time they get in a car, I'll turn the radio on to full volume. Every time they turn the lights out to go to sleep, I'll turn on every light in their house and turn the TV up full volume. Every time they sit on a toilet, I'll flush it just as they're starting to shit. I'm going to mindfuck them so hard, their brain will feel like a drunken girl that just met Ben Roethlisberger. And not just to them, either. Their kids, their grandkids, and on and on forever. It's going to be one of those generational curses that lasts a thousand years that they call in, like, priests and excorcists and shit for. That is what I'm going to do if these motherfuckers don't speed up while trying to merge onto a fucking highway. If you want to drive forty fucking miles an hour, stay off the mother fucking highway you dumb ass piece of shit.

And the most annoying thing is, every time I finally get up to speed and I can pass them, it's always the same type of assholes that are driving thirty miles under the speed limit. It's some fucking dad who thinks he's cool with his shorts and black socks who's spending more time pointing out interesting-looking cows to his kids than he is watching the fucking road. Or it's some old bitch who can barely even see over the wheel who is complaining about how she doesn't understand why all these kids drive so darn fast in their motorcars. Well bitch, you're right. We drive fast, because we're trying not to get in a fucking accident you stupid whore, so you should probably either speed up or get the fuck off the highway.

So everyone with a tendency to merge ono a highway while driving well under the speed limit, repeat after me:

I, (state your name), do solemnly promise to speed the fuck up when my stupid ass is merging onto the highway. I no longer want to be an ignorant, inbred, pig-fucking asshole who causes accidents with my dangerous driving that endangers people far more important to humanity than myself. I do not want to be the reason some innocent motorist died, and I do not want Randy to haunt the shit out of me and my descendants for the rest of time. I'm sorry for being such an ignorant shithead. I promise I'll do better. Thank you for giving me the chance to correct my dangerous and selfish ways.

Fucking slow assholes.