So in case you haven't heard, apparently the world is ending today. This bold prediction is coming from the same dude that published a book claiming the world was ending in 1994. But this time he's right because he's had more time to do the math. So um, yeah, the world is ending. And since the world is ending, and it doesn't matter at this point anyway, there's a few things I'd like to get off my chest...
I kind of hate people. They piss me off. Mostly when they talk to me. But yeah, I fucking hate people.
I hate my job. Well it's not so much that I hate my job in particular. I guess I just hate working.
I love my mom, but she kind of makes me want to scream, Van Gogh myself, stab my eyes out with a fork, and eat a bullet all at the same time.
And a lot of my relatives really annoy me.
Eskimos piss me off. Don't know why, but I don't trust them.
French people actually DON'T piss me off. I actually like them, because no matter how big of a pussy I am, I know I could, like, single handedly take over France right now with nothing but my fists if I really wanted to. And I'd do it, too, just to show you all I could. But I'm not going to, because if I did, then what would I have to show for it? France? Yeah, not worth my time. I'll stay here and masturbate thank you.
I voted for Obama. Yeah, I did. But not because I thought he'd be a good President. I voted for him because I was worried John McCain would get elected and then not live out his full term, meaning we'd have President Palin. And nothing against her, I just feel like I would rather chop off my own dick and eat it than live under a woman President. Yeah, I'm a sexist, so sue me.
I actually loved the movie "Dude Where's My Car?" Have it on DVD as a matter of fact. Yeah, go ahead and laugh. Fuck you, I thought it was funny.
And I think the Beatles are far and away the most overrated musical act in the history of music. I know I've said it before, but it's worth saying again.
Speaking of overrated musicians, I don't think I believe that Michael Jackson was a child molester. I believe he was crazy as a motherfucker and he shouldn't have been anywhere near children. But that's because he was clearly a danger to them because he had no idea how to care for them (like thinking swinging your baby over a balcony is a good idea), not because he was molesting them.
O.J., on the other hand, is guilty as fuck.
Speaking of guilty people, it has always bothered me that we as a society look down on people who go to prison and never really give them a chance to rehabilitate their image, yet Martha Stewart goes to prison and everybody gives her a pass because she's the nice white lady who made our bedsheets and taught us how to cook a Thanksgiving turkey so she must be a good person who just made one bad choice.
I would say the same for Paris Hilton, but the only people who have ever taken her seriously are only half a step above animals on the food chain anyway.
The summer after my senior year of high school, I broke my foot. I told people I fell down my basement stairs. I actually broke it jumping around dancing to the new (at the time) Sevendust album.
Once, when I was a teenager and was naturally pissed off at the opposite sex, I bought a Hanson CD and listened to it hoping it would make me gay so I wouldn't have to put up with teenage girls' bullshit anymore. It didn't work. It just made me even more pissed off, and I had a Hanson CD, so I felt like a total dipshit.
Worms gross me out.
When I'm driving and I make a left turn, I'm always afraid I'm going to get hit by an invisible car. And I don't mean a car I just didn't happen to see. I mean a car that is literally invisible to the human eye that turns visible just in time to crash into me and kill me.
I'm about to give up on both South Park and Family Guy.
I really do have a tiny crooked penis.
My wife's farts smell worse than mine.
Well I feel much better now. Good thing the world is ending so nobody will be able to give me shit about any of this.