Charlie Sheen. That's really all I need to say. I haven't even said anything and you're probably already laughing just at the mere mention of his name. His recent meltdowns and rants have made him an icon in American lore. And not the good kind, like movie stars or major athletes. I mean the kind like Charlie Sheen. In honor of Charlie's raving lunacy, I decided to compile a little matching game for you to test your knowledge of some of the best and/or most well-known rants and meltdowns in history. And to qualify for this, the rant or meltdown must have been unscripted and/or unplanned (sorry Andy Kaufman).
Match the quotes on the left with the individual on the right who gave us the classic line, then see below for the answers, as well as the context in which each was said. Add up your score and see how you did.
| THE QUOTES | THE SPEAKERS |
|---|---|
| 1. "We'll do it live! Fuck it! Do it Live" | A. President Barack Obama |
| 2. "When I'm doing TV and I got 18..God dammit. Can't everybody stop for 10 minutes? I mean everybody seems that that's the only...everybody can we...Jesus Christ." | B. Allen Iverson |
| 3. "It's good to be here with you though, you know, because you've been talking like this behind my back for a long time. Well I think you probably won't say it again." | C. Christian Bale |
| 4. "What's he doing up there? He's a jackass." | D. Chris Berman |
| 5. "Playoffs? Don't talk about..playoffs? You kiddin me? Playoffs? | E. Kurt Cobain |
| 6. "FUUUUUUUUUUUCK! That's a fucking 50 DKP minus! What the fuck was that shit!" | F. Laura Schlessinger |
| 7. "I don't give a damn that you're 12 years old, or 11 years old, or that you're a child, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn't care about what you do as far as I'm concerned." | G. Tom Green |
| 8. "Every time I do an interview a guy wants to open his fuckin' mouth! Can't even do a little fuckin' routine here. You know what? Go fuck yourself. You know what? Fuck you, fuck the whole fuckin' network." | H. Glenn Beck |
| 9. "Shutup! 50 years ago we'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass! You can talk, you can talk, you can talk. You're brave now motherfucker! Throw his ass out, he's a n---er!" | I. Casey Kasem |
| 10. "The Bears are who we thought they were. That's why we took the damn field. Now if you wanna crown 'em, then crown their ass!" | J. Andrew Dice Clay |
| 11. "If anything comes out in this book that hurts my wife, I'll fucking hurt you." | K. Alec Baldwin |
| 12. "If someone steals a riff from a song, that shit's in the news constantly. Motherfuckers steal shit, and make it on HBO." | L. WoW Raid Leader |
| 13. "Get off my phone you little pinhead!" | M. Dennis Green |
| 14. "You look like a fucking pig in heat and if you get raped by a pack of n---ers it will be your fault." | N. Michael Richards |
| 15. "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! Get the fucking thing together! Fuck you!" | O. Jim Everett |
| 16. "I want you off the fuckin set you prick! No, don't just be sorry. Think for one fuckin second. The fuck are you doing? Are you professional or not?" | P. Mel Gibson |
| 17. "I want a Goddamn concerted effort to come out of a record that isn't a fucking uptempo record every time I do a Goddamn death dedication! | Q. Bill O'Reilly |
| 18. "We talkin' about practice, man. I mean how silly is that? We're talkin' about practice." | R. Joe Rogan |
| 19. "If you're that hyper-sensitive about color and you don't have a sense of humor, don't marry outside your race." | S. Lily Tomlin |
| 20. "What should I do here? Should I act like this is cool like this dude came out here and fucked up our desk and I don't care and then go on and have some bullshit interview where I'm really nice to him about his little rock and roll band?" | T. Jim Mora |
See Below For The Answers:
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Answers:
1. Q, Bill O'Reilly. Said during a blowup at a stagehand on his show following an exchange in which Bill couldn't figure out what the phrase "play us out" meant.
2. D, Chris Berman. Said to people distracting him on the set of "Monday Night Football."
3. O. Jim Everett. Everett, a former NFL quarterback, said to pompous ass and tough guy wannabe sports analyst Jim Rome who had been running his mouth about Everett for years, referring to him as Chris (there was a female tennis player at the time named Chris Evert) as his idea of a funny way to call Everett a woman after Everett's famous "phantom sack" when he went to the ground before actually being touched by the 49ers defense, who had been knocking Everett to the ground all day long. Everett finally went on Rome's show and Rome wasted no time calling him "Chris" twice within the first seconds of Everett's appearance. Everett stopped Rome and essentially dared him to say it again, saying they would need to take a station break if it happened (think Samuel L Jackson's "Say what again motherfucker" line). Rome said it again, and wound up on the floor while stage assistants pulled Everett off Rome. Rome is still best known in the sports world as "the guy who got decked by Jim Everett."
4. A, President Barack Obama. Said about Kanye West interrupting Taylor Swift's MTV music award acceptance speech. Hey, for something said on camera by a sitting president, this qualifies as a rant.
5. T, Jim Mora. Said in a post-game press-conference where he described his team's (Indianapolis Colts) performance as "pitiful." A reporter then asked about the team's playoff hopes.
6. L, WoW Raid Leader. Said on Ventrillo by the raid leader of the World Of Warcraft guild "Wipe Squad" during a failed Onyxia raid encounter. The "50 DKP Minus" rant quickly went viral, spawning many many wannabe copycat rants being recorded and loaded onto the internet.
7. K, Alec Baldwin. In a threatening message left on his daughter's cell phone because she didn't have the phone on when he called her.
8. J, Andrew Dice Clay. An interview on CNN in response to being asked about running a gym while out of the national standup scene.
9. N, Michael Richards. Better known as "Kramer" from Seinfeld, Richards went off on a racist rant during a standup show as a result of a black heckler.
10. M, Dennis Green. During a press conference following a game in which his Cardinals blew a lead to lose to the Chicago Bears.
11. E, Kurt Cobain. In a phone message left for someone publishing a book about him and his wife, Courtney Love.
12. R, Joe Rogan. On Carlos Menstealia, the joke-thief. You know, the reason I record a lot of my shows and put transcripts of most of my material here on this site (so there's a record of me using it soon after writing it so people can't later claim I didn't come up with it first). That's the very ugly side of the standup business, I've seen way too many people with notebooks at comedy shows and I've seen way too many people "come up with" jokes eerily similar to jokes I've used after seeing one of my sets. Fortunately, the "borrowed" jokes don't get a good reaction most of the time for two reasons. First, if someone has to steal jokes, they're not that good anyway so they probably don't get much of a crowd reaction anyhow. Second, to pretend like they're not stealing it they will usually try to change it up a little bit, and the change makes it less funny. Most of the time people have ripped off my jokes I've seen them drop it soon after because it gets zero reaction for them, so they go back to using whatever hack material wasn't getting them a reaction in the first place.
13. H, Glenn Beck. On his show yelling at a caller who dared disagree with him.
14. P, Mel Gibson. In an argument with his ex-girlfriend saying she dressed like a whore.
15. S, Lily Tomlin. Cussing out her director on a movie set.
16. C, Christian Bale. Yelling at a stage worker for walking around while shooting during filming of Terminator:Salvation.
17. I, Casey Kasem, in a rant about having death dedications following uptempo songs.
18. B, Allen Iverson. During a press conference while explaining reports that he had missed practice time.
19. F, Laura Schlessinger. On her radio show getting mad while trying to explain to a black caller that if the "n" word offended her, she was hypersensitive and shouldn't have married a white man.
20. G, Tom Green. On his talk show after Jesse James Dupree of the band "Jackyl" walked on stage with a chainsaw and sawed up Green's desk with no warning whatsoever. I have to say it's hilarious watching Green cry like a bitch when someone else fucks with him after he made a career of fucking with other people.
HOW'D YOU DO?
1-5: Sheltered
What rock have you been living under?
6-10: Average
About normal, but you're missing out on a lot of good stuff here.
11-15: Internet Savvy
You were probably one of those who had heard the Christian Bale rant soon enough after it happened to get that joke on the Family Guy that came out like a week after the rant went viral.
16-20: Youtube Junkie
Yeah, Youtube is the second greatest web site ever made (behind this site of course) but you probably spend a little too much time there. You should probably turn off the computer and do something meaningful, like watch TV.