At the risk of sounding sexist, we need to get women the hell out of football. They're ruining everything about it that they're party to. Female reporters, broadcasters, replacement referees, “analysts,” and sideline bitches all need to go. Immediately. And yes, it's going to be one of THOSE writings today, so if that bothers you, you might as well just stop reading right now, because it's only going to get more offensive to women from here.
And before I really get going, let me clarify something. Men, you're welcome. I know you're all thinking the exact same thing, but don't want to say it for fear of looking like a sexist pig. And NFL bigwigs and broadcast network execs, you're welcome, too. I know how it works. You, as business men, want to reach as wide an audience as possible so you can make as much money as possible. Therefore, you find select menial tasks that don't really have any bearing on anything important for women to do here and there, so women will feel like football isn't just a sport for men to enjoy. I understand that and apreciate where you're coming from. However, as a male fan, it's getting ridiculous, so although I know the decision-makers would never take my complaints to heart because it would be a bad PR move, I'm still going to point out how God-damn frustrating it is sitting down to watch a football game, only to have some poser woman who is clearly in over her head trotting out and doing or saying something stupid that lessens my enjoyment of the game. So, as I mentioned, men, you're welcome. I don't expect you to tell me you agree, but you don't have to. I understand. I'm saying all this so you guys don't have to. You're welcome.
First, the female sideline reporters are a joke and a completely unnecessary member of the broadcast team. They just might be the most overpaid “workers” in all of civilization, because I don't know how much they make, but they do next to nothing to “earn” it. They basically only have two jobs that take a combined ninety seconds over the course of a 3+ hour broadcast. The first job is to talk to each coach at halftime and ask them their thoughts and what they want to focus on in the second half. That's great, except that literally everyone watching the game already knows exactly what that coach is going to say. They're going to give some really generic response (such as “we need to run the ball better” or “turnovers hurt us”) based on some easily discernible observation that anyone with a pulse watching the game is already going to have made. No NFL coach is going to give you any profound insight into their first half observations or their second half game plan, because if they did, someone watching the broadcast for their opponent would see it and use it against them.
Beyond the unnecessary coach interviews, the only other job a sideline correspondent has is to follow up with the teams' trainers any time they see a player get hurt, and give an injury update, something that could just as easily be done by any random producer or cameraman asking the trainers the same questions and relaying that information to the commentators for them to pass along to the viewers. And this would undoubtedly be a better way to pass along injury news, because the commentators would at least be able to pronounce the injury, unlike most female sideline reporters who sound as though they're reading the injury off a cue card for the very first time. But no, we have to find something for women to do so we can pretend like they're important to try and attract female viewers.
The absolute worst offender of this type is Pam Oliver. Not only does this bitch fumble her way through names and injury pronunciations on the sidelines, but FOX Sports (in a head-scratching move) started allowing her to do actual interviews with the players for their pre-game show, so now the dumb bitch thinks she's a hard-hitting journalist and she takes herself even more seriously than her actual place on the food chain dictates. Seriously bitch, you are the sports broadcasting equivalent of a rock band's sound-check guy, get off your high horse.
My all-time favorite “Who hired this bitch?” moment of hers would have to be a couple years back when she was interviewing the Chicago Bears' Lance Briggs. The interview came in the wake of the scandal where a Mexican female reporter (who just happens to take sexy, scantily-clad pictures on the side) was interviewing Mark Sanchez and some of his teammates, who were also scantily clad at the time (as the interview happened in the Jets' locker room) made catcalls at her. Unprofessional, absolutely. Surprising, absolutely not. Anyway, Lance Briggs, in an interview of his own, made the comment that he didn't think female reporters should be allowed in the locker rooms where male athletes are showering and dressing. This viewpoint just happens to be shared by a lot of people, myself included. Actually, if it were up to me, no reporters of either gender would be allowed in a showering and dressing area, but what do I know? I mean who wouldn't want to go home from work, hop in the shower, and have a camera crew (of people who have never done their job) in their face as they're showering and getting dressed asking them about a mistake they made at work? Anyway, Miss, Too-Big-For-Her-Britches-Oliver was interviewing Lance Briggs and asked him “what would possess” him to make such a statement. Yes, those are the actual words she used. Gee bitch, MAYBE BECAUSE IT'S HIS FUCKING OPINION? And that was pretty much his response, too. Just because you personally don't agree with somebody's opinion, doesn't mean they shouldn't have the audacity to voice it, and it sure as hell doesn't give you the right to ask them “what would possess them" to have such an opinion. Especially when that opinion is shared by a lot of people, because face it, female reporters are only allowed in locker rooms because the league wants to appeal to female viewers and therefore wants to come off as viewing women as equals. I don't agree with the decision, but I certainly respect the reasons behind the decision. However, that doesn't mean women need to get all uppity about it, like Miss Glorified-Sound-Check-Guy-Oliver. The fact is, Lance Briggs was doing the exact same thing I'm doing now. Voicing a very valid opinion that a LOT of men have, but most don't have the balls to say it because they don't want to offend women. And Pam Oliver got pissed off because she doesn't like when it's pointed out that she's not an equal in the football world, because in PamLand, she is.
Just like with the female sideline reporters, the NFL saw an opportunity to appeal to women with the referee lockout by bringing in a woman as the first ever female to referee an NFL game. And while we're on the subject, can I just say that I'm not buying the official bullshit the NFL is feeding us that the replacement refs weren't that bad on opening weekend? The line I keep hearing is “There were some bad calls, but there are always bad calls no matter who the referees are.” Nice try, but there were a LOT more bad calls and missed calls with the replacements than there are with normal refs. Just because there was only one over-the-top outrageous “Holy shit, what the fuck are they thinking?” moment when the ref gave the Seahawks four timeouts, doesn't mean they're as good as the regular refs.
But anyway, back to the chick official. I actually got to watch her in action, because she was on the crew that called the Lions and Rams game, and while she didn't make any overtly glaring errors that I personally noticed beyond some questionable calls (like the rest of the replacement refs), there are two things I'll call attention to. First, she was another one who clearly is too big for her britches, as she demonstrated when she broke up a fight between Cortland Finnegan and Stephen Tulloch. The problem was, they weren't actually fighting. Finnegan and Tulloch are long-time friends and former teammates, and after the game they playfully shoved each other as they were smiling and laughing, and the chick ref saw a chance to flex her wannabe zebra shirt, so she went over and tried to break up two friends having fun as they were laughing and smiling. Stupid bitch.
The second thing I noticed was that every time she was in on a call, it felt like it was automatically less credible. As it is, every call the scabs make has an asterisk next to it because they're not the real refs, but when the female ref was involved, it felt like there were two or three asterisks next to it because it's a replacement ref, she's female, and you never know, she might just be on her period or thinking about what pair of shoes she's wearing when she gets home or something. Every time she was involved in a call, I was reminded of the line from the first Star Wars parody episode of Family Guy where Leia is explaining military strategy to the rebels and one soldier raises his hand and asks “Is there someone from the military who could tell us this? A man perhaps?”
Finally, the biggest joke of them all, the female “analysts.” First of all, any time any woman on broadcast TV professes any kind of football-related opinion, I always wonder to myself which man told her to say that. Seriously, none of them (even the few hot ones) have any business pretending to be more knowledgable about football than the average fan, because clearly they're not. Almost every opinion they offer sounds like it's not their own, whether because they don't sound like they actually understand what they're saying, or because they sound like they're reading straight off a teleprompter. I must admit, the entire reason I wrote this was because of how piss-poor of a job Suzy Kolber did in place of Chris Berman last night hosting the pre-game show for Monday Night Football. Seriously, she was awkward all show long and it even seemed like she was throwing the other guys off. Even my wife had to grudgingly agree with me after about two hours of her looking like a fish out of water. The whole show sucked because she managed to single-handedly drag it down. And this is coming from someone who can't stand Chris Berman. Seriously. Chris Berman is a loud, annoying, obnoxious, unfunny, disgusting, overrated, creepy bastard.
But at least he's a man.
men totally agree with me, but would never admit it to their wives or girlfriends