A couple months ago, my little brother (of A Crappy Web Show Episode IV "6th Best Out Of 10" fame) moved to Texas with his wife.
This incidentally led to the single best Christmas dinner moment ever when my brother and his wife were talking about the move. All of a sudden, my grandfather out of nowhere and with no warning yelled out "Are there a lot of (insert racial slur referring to a certain group of people having moisture on their backs) in Texas? I heard there was a lot of (racial slurs) in Texas!" As the jaws of all my relatives dropped to the floor, my aunt's boyfriend quickly tried to make the scene less offensive by spinning his slur by explaining the actual historical reasoning by which that particular slur came to be in a failed attempt to make it a factual, scholarly discussion rather than a totally racist rant. My grandfather then got pissed off and responded with "No, that's not what a (racial slur) is. A (racial slur) is a God damn Mexican!" I've never felt classier in my life than on that special Christmas dinner family moment.
Anyhow, as I was talking to my brother when he was preparing for the move, there was obviously much discussion on his reasons for moving and the pros and cons of making such a drastic relocation. Now, mind you, he lived in Ohio before, so it's probably a case of six of one, half a dozen of the other, but nevertheless, I've taken the liberty of transcribing here our list of...
THE PROS AND CONS OF MOVING TO TEXAS
PRO: The average cost of living is much lower in Texas.
CON: So is the average IQ.
PRO: Professional jobs are much easier to get in Texas.
CON: That's because there's less competition because a higher percent of the population is unqualified for professional jobs because they have little education.
PRO: Less rap music.
CON: A lot more country music.
PRO: A lot less annoying, obnoxious Steelers fans.
CON: A lot more annoying, obnoxious Cowboys fans.
PRO: Everything's bigger in Texas.
CON: If your dick is small outside of Texas, it will still be small in Texas.
PRO: More football games to watch on TV.
CON: More rodeos to watch on TV.
PRO: Living several states away gives a super awesome excuse for not showing up to most family functions.
CON: It also leads to far more guilt trips about not showing up to most family functions.
PRO: With the sheer amount of low income illegal immigrants, a person with average income would look like a king by comparison.
CON: Except it would be king of the illegal immigrants.
PRO: Liking pro wrestling is far more socially acceptable in Texas.
CON: Liking Star Wars is not.
PRO: Being the only one without a Southern accent would make you the most intelligent sounding person in the room.
CON: To the other people in the room you'd just be "That guy who talks like a fag."
PRO: I'm no longer an asshole for having moved a mere two hours away when I went to college because my brother moved halfway across the country.
CON: That probably just means my mom is going to be moving down here since she has no children left in the same town as her.
people from Texas would really be pissed if they could read this