The other day at work, the radio was playing and Kid Rock's "All Summer Long" came on. Yes, apparently not all copies of that song have been destroyed as I had hoped, so I still have work to do. As I was explaining to everyone within earshot, I pointed out his usual idiocy of rhyming words with themselves (such as rhyming the phrases "different things" and "funny things") as well as his swing-and-a-miss attempts at making two words rhyme that don't just by inflecting his voice in a certain way (such as rhyming the words "bottle" and "tomorrow"). Unbelievably, someone disagreed with me. This asinine moron actually defended Kid Rock's ability as a lyricist with the old "He's sold more CD's than you" defense. That is the most asinine, ridiculous, and beside-the-point defense for someone's lyrical ability that exists. Just because some retarded ass clown has a record deal doesn't mean they're a good lyricist. It means they were in the right place, at the right time, and that they have some good songs. And by good songs, that means the music is good and/or they have a good singer or musicians. Lyrical content doesn't have a damn thing to do with getting a record deal. Bands don't send copies of their lyrics to record companies, they send recordings of their songs. And I'm not taking anything from Kid Rock as a musician or music-writer. The real tragedy is that I have to admit I don't hate some of his music. It's the abortion of the English language that results when he opens his inbred mouth that sends me running for the hills. Just because the nation's bottom quarter percentile (intellectually and economically) like Kid Rock's music does not mean he is a talented lyricist.
After I explained all this, the incredible thing was that the incompetent chucklehead STILL didn't understand why Kid Rock is a retard with no lyrical talent. So for his benefit, as well as any other morons who still might have their doubts, I've compiled the following list of the ten most indisputable reasons Kid Rock is a retard.
TOP TEN REASONS KID ROCK IS A RETARD
10. This picture
9. His waffling in "Only God knows why." First, he cries about how hard his life is with the line"People don't know about the things I say and do, they don't understand about the shit that I've been through." Not only is this line a grammatical atrocity (it should either be "They don't understand" or "They don't know about", not "They don't understand about") but he completely contradicts it a few lines later with the line "People get what they deserve." So he wants us to feel sorry for his difficult life, yet claims people get what they deserve. Why exactly should we feel sorry for someone who gets what they deserve? Unless of course it's only everybody else that gets what they deserve and he doesn't deserve what he gets. Either way, he's a retard.
8. "I'm your Rock n Roll Jesus." - Rock n Roll Jesus
Okay, I get that Kid is saying that everybody but him sucks and that he has come to save all of us from all the shitty music there is, so in his own obnoxious way, he's comparing himself to Jesus Christ, who as the story goes, came to save all of us. Only Jesus gave up his divinity, suffered torture and an inhumane execution, to save us all from eternal damnation in a lake of fire and sulfur. He didn't drop out of high school, hire a midget, and make shitty white-trash anthems to save us from better, more thought-provoking music. Even as someone who doesn't personally believe in the historical Jesus, this comparison offends me. Although I personally think Jesus would have been well served by hiring a midget. You gotta give Kid his due on that move.
7. "I'm the illest fool, cooler than the water in a swimming pool." - "Cocky"
In addition to the obviously childish analogy here, this doesn't even make sense. He's comparing his level of savvy to water temperature. That's like me comparing the size of my ass to the running time of a movie. It just doesn't work on any level. Not that I should expect anything less from someone who also talked himself up by describing himself as "Fly like a seagull, kickin like a mule."
6. "And if the wind blows east would you follow me
And if the wind blows north would you stay your course
And if the wind blows west would you second guess
And if the wind blows south would you count me out
And if the sun don't shine would you still be mine
And if the sky turns gray would you walk away" - "Lonely Road of Faith"
Okay seriously, we get it. In addition to his trademark inability to pick up a fucking thesaurus and find some words that actually rhyme, Kid has to pound the same idea into the ground. Yes, we get it. You want to know if the love of your life will stick with you through good times and bad. We fucking get it. Seriously. We got it well before you got onto the weather speech. Anyone who has to elaborate on a simple idea to this degree should probably realize how shallow their intellect is. Unless, of course, they're retarded.
5. "I like AC/DC and ZZ Top,
Bocephus, Beasties, and the Kings of Rock
Skynyrd, Seger, Limp, Korn and the Stones
David Allen Coe and No Show Jones" - "American Badass"
Yes, he seriously devoted an entire verse of a song he released as a single to telling us all about his favorite bands, like so many high school jackasses on their myspace page. It blows my mind how such an absurd idea could occur to him. Then it's absurd that he thought it was good enough to write down. Then it was absurd that nobody else in his band realized how fucking stupid that is. Then it was really absurd that the record label allowed him to waste studio time and disc space on a list of his favorite bands. And then it's even more absurd that they actually thought enough of a song where Kid talks about his favorite bands to release that as a single, hoping it would sell albums. But the most absurd thing of all is that it did sell albums. And yes, I just used the word "absurd" six times in that paragraph. That's how bad this verse is. It is absurd to the sixth power.
4. "Ima Kid Rock it up and down ya block." - "Cowboy"
Leaving alone the obvious signs of Downs coming from anyone who uses the contraction "Ima," this line doesn't even make any sense. He's going to Kid Rock it up and down my block? What the fuck does that even mean? The phrase "Kid Rock" appears to be the verb in this sentence, but what the fuck does it mean "to Kid Rock?" Does that mean he's going to walk up and down my street being a grammatically-deficient trailer park escapee?
3. His unsuccessful attempts in "All Summer Long" to rhyme all the following pairs of words: "Man and Michigan" "Sand bar and Campfire" "Bottle and Tomorrow" "Dock and Rocks" "Sun and Come" "End and Again." He actually only managed to passably rhyme seven word combinations out of thirteen attempts, and that's even giving him his rhyming combination of "Things and Things," which is incredibly weak and lame by any standard. There is also one lonely line of the song where he apparently decided he couldn't even come close, so he made no attempt to rhyme whatsoever and it sounds incredibly awkward in the rhyming context of the rest of the song. However, even giving Kid seven out of thirteen (which is pretty generous in my opinion) he still gets a mere 54%, which is an F at any school I ever went to. Not that Kid Rock even knows what a school is, mind you. This is actually a very common motif in Kid Rock songs. Most of his attempts at rhyming are close, but just miss the mark. Kinda like listening to someone who speaks English as a second language because their first language is Tardspeak.
And the number one reason Kid Rock is absolutely, undeniably, indisputably, mentally retarded to a level that makes Vin Diesel look like Stephen Hawking is the following lyric. And not only is the following lyric the worst Kid Rock lyric ever. The following lyric is quite possibly the single most asinine, ridiculous lyric in the history of music, and I wish horrible, painful things on everyone who was involved in its' publication.
1. "Bawitda ba da bang da dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie." - Bawitdaba
I don't think I even have to say anything about this one. It speaks for itself.