There is never anything good on TV. There just isn't. A hundred channels and nothing good is ever on. As a result I spend a lot of time watching the TV Guide channel. And do you know who ALWAYS seems to be on? Joan fucking Rivers and her stupid ass daughter. God I hate those bitches. If being an ugly, nasty old bitch were a competitive sport, she'd be the Babe Ruth, Michael Jordan, and Joe Montana rolled into one. Just looking at her makes me want to fucking vomit.
God, just look at that nasty old bitch. It seems like she's been on TV nitpicking over fashion bullshit forever. And do you know why? Because she has. I looked it up and Old Woman Rivers was born June 8, 1933. That makes her 73 fucking years old. God damn that's old. And she looks every day of it. She spends more money every year trying to look young (and failing miserably) than some countries spend on national defense. God, what a nasty bitch. All the plastic surgery just makes her look even worse. It doesn't make her look young, or attractive, or fashionable, it makes her look like a fake, nasty old bitch who refuses to accept her age and fucking deal with it. Have you ever heard of aging gracefully? Of course she hasn't, she's the fucking spokesperson for Hollywood, and as we all know, the number one priority in Hollywood is being fake and caring more about what you look like than anything else. When I'm old, I'm going to make sure everyone knows how old I am. I'm also going to take full advantage of it. I'm going to intentionally shit my pants and then make young good-looking people clean up after me. That'll show those assholes. But no, not Joan fucking Rivers here. She has to spend a supreme effort trying to look half her age. She probably has plastic surgery more often than I take shits. In fact, during the time it takes you to read this, she'll probably have four operations and schedule another one. I wonder how much of that face is really her anymore. Not that I actually give a shit, she just annoys the piss out of me. Isn't she old enough now that the government can step in and force the old hag to retire? Or at least get her the fuck off my TV. I am so fucking tired of seeing this old bitch scrutinize everyone's clothes with her nasty ass daughter and those two gay guys she's always hanging out with. Who the fuck decided her opinion was important anyway? What a stupid thing to nitpick about. I've seen her critique two guys with the exact same tuxedo (at least to my untrained eyes) and decide one was the definition of fashion, and the other looked like dog shit. Well you know what bitch? You look like dog shit. Accept your age and get off my fucking TV.
P.S. Her voice is fucking annoying too and she's always screaming. "OWWWWWWWWWWW MY GAWWWWWD MELISSA! Just look at the way that dress blah blah blah blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAH GET THE FUCK OFF MY TV BITCH!"