It's A Crappy Life: A Crappy Christmas Story by Randy (Part 3)
"What?" Randy shouted? "God regrets having created me?" Clarence nodded. "You mean to tell me that I fucked up the entire world just by being born?" Clarence nodded again."What about the people I work with?"
Clarence snapped his fingers, and instantly Randy found himself staring at the restaurant he worked at...almost. "You see the gold-plated door-casings and tuxedo-wearing employees? Well, they have money for those things now that you're not around to make bad decisions and chase all the good employees away. This restaurant location is actually studied in college business classes as an example of business management excellence. All because you weren't there to mess it all up."
"This is such bullshit. What about the bars and clubs I do standup at? Let me guess, you're going to tell me that since I'm not around to chase everyone away with my shitty jokes that they're full for every show and that the money brought in has made them all successful beyond my wildest imagination."
"Whatever bromo sapien. And what about my web site? Since I'm not there to write on it, it doesn't exist, so I suppose everyone who reads it instead spent their time learning to read ancient languages and discovered the location of Atlantis or some shit."
Clarence shook his head. "Not quite. There is still a site at acrappywebsite.com."
"What the fuck? What asshole stole my domain? I'll sue his fucking ass!"
"You remember a couple years after you started writing you got an email from someone who was watching to see how long you kept the site up because he wanted to use the domain name himself?"
"Yeah, that fuckin tool! I wanted to kick his ass! I mean seriously, the asshole was basically telling me to quit writing because he thought he somehow deserved the rights to "acrappywebsite.com" more than I did when I'd already been using it. Wait, don't tell me that fucker got it?"
Clarence nodded. "He did. And maybe you should've just let him have the domain name because it turns out he did a lot more with it than you."
"What the fuck?"
"Yes, he also has a humor site at acrappywebsite.com and it became so popular he was able to retire from his job as a professional brain surgeon because he made more money from the web site. And then he decided to donate one cent for every hit on his web site to AIDS research, and six months later, they found the cure for AIDS."
"HA! So now I'm the reason AIDS hasn't been cured yet too in addition to the reason for all wars?"
"Fine, I'll play along. So what about my pets? I happen to know that I rescued my cats from being put down in a shelter so don't even try to tell me they're better off without me!"
"Well," Clarence replied, "Actually..."
"Oh God, now what?"
"Well, your cats are actually the most pampered animals since Lassie, thanks to their starring roles in the wildly successful Disney movie franchise "Feline Detectives." The third sequel was made in 3D and put Avatar's box office total to shame."
"Anything else I fucked up while we're at it?"
"Well, Golden Corral is now a Fortune 500 company since you're not around to put a financial strain on their operations every time you get in the buffet line."
"Okay dude,now you're just being a dick." Clarence shrugged and snapped his fingers. Randy found himself on a bridge outside of his town, overlooking an icy river. "Where the fuck is this?"
"This," Clarence said, "is where our journey ends."
"What the fuck? No it's not! That journey was fucking stupid and I'm not back home watching pro wrestling so clearly this is not the end. The end is when you drop me off in my living room and give me a bunch of money to make up for kidnapping me and feeding me all this bullshit when I could be watching a cage match."
Clarence started. "You mean you aren't overcome with remorse at how badly you messed everyone's lives up?"
"NO! If anything it makes me want to kick all their asses for being happier without me! If they think they were miserable before, wait until I get back. Then they'll really be sorry! And why the fuck are we at this bridge?"
"Because this is the bridge you're supposed to jump off after realizing the world is a better place without you."
"What? You mean all this time you came here because I'm supposed to kill myself!"
"Well, yes. That was God's orders"
"Okay that's it! Enough of this bullshit!" And with that he kicked Clarence in the balls. "That's for wasting my time!" Then he walked behind Clarence as he was doubled over in pain and gave him a wedgie. "That's for trying to get me to kill myself!" Then he pushed Clarence into the river. "And that's for making me miss my cage match. Fuck you!" And with that, Randy turned around and started walking back towards town, even more pissed off than ever before.
And that, boys and girls, is why I'm such a dick. Fuck you.