Let's get something straight. If in fact there is such a place as hell, I will be going there when I die. While the content of this web site is enough by itself to damn fifty people to hell, this isn't even necessarily me at my worst. This site is just the random shit I write down that pops into my head that I regurgitate for the amusement of myself and my loyal fans. I'm talking about the things I've actually done. Or more accurately, laughed at. Loudly. And told other people about so we can both laugh. Like I'm telling you all now so you can laugh with me on the highway to hell.
Like the time I whacked off in church. And I laughed about it.
Or the time I saw this old guy fall asleep in his soup. And I laughed about it.
Or the time I saw this blind kid walk into a door and fall over. And I laughed about it.
Or the time I told someone the above story and they said I was an insensitive asshole and needed to be more sensitive to handicapped people, so I told a Helen Keller joke. And I laughed about it.
Or the time I saw this old guy spill water all over himself and start howling like he'd just set himself on fire. And I laughed about it.
Or the time I saw this kid in an un-motorized wheelchair trying to go uphill in his wheelchair and taking forever to get there. And I laughed about it.
Or the time me and a friend visited an old high school friend at college where he'd made all new friends and left his dorky high school reputation behind. And we told all his new friends all the embarrassing stories about him from high school. And I laughed about it.
Or the time a friend introduced me to a girl he really liked. And I spent the whole night ripping shit about everything she likes and pissed her off. And I laughed about it.
Or the time when I was at my first job and I put a ketchup packet in a coworker's sandwich at work and watched him eat it, And I laughed about it.
Or the time when I was at my first job when I was cleaning the milk shake machine and I watched a coworker make himself a shake and start drinking it before I told him I had already put cleaning solution into the mix. And I laughed about it.
Or the time when the guy in the above sentence got sick and missed a day of school because of that. And I laughed about it.
Or the time a guy asked me if my then-girlfriend was seeing anybody and I told him no so I could watch him get turned down. And I laughed about it.
Or the time my old roommate told me he was starting a new diet and exercise program, and he saw me eating pizza and told me how jealous he was, so I decorated the apartment with pizza boxes. And I laughed about it.
Or the time my friend asked me if someone had put a something on his back, and I told him no, even though I had put a sign on his back that said "I LOVE BOYS," And I laughed about it.
Or the time I refused to go out with this chick because she lied to me on two separate occasions, but she thought I wouldn't go out with her because she was too fat, so she became anorexic because she thought she could win me over if she lost weight. And I laughed about it.
Or the time I watched this lady trip over someone's purse in a restaurant and start screaming bloody murder at the woman whose purse it was. And I laughed about it.
Or the time on the Halloween after 9-11 when we were allowed to wear a costume to work on Halloween, and this guy jokingly suggested dressing up as a terrorist, so three of us told him we'd pay him 50 bucks to do it, and he did it, and he got fired on the spot, and we never even paid him the 50 bucks. And I laughed about it.
Or the time just now when I looked over this and realized what an incredible asshole I really am. And I laughed about it.
people had no idea what a dick i was