After six years in my current apartment, my wife and I are going to be moving. We want to find a house, but the problem is, my ideal house should have a few things and I'm having trouble finding them all in one house. I don't think I'm asking for too much. All I really want from a house is:
-A room for my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles paraphernalia
-A room for my wife's shoes so I don't have to look at her eighty-five thousand pair of shoes and be reminded of all the starving kids in China who, in addition to starving, probably don't have shoes either.
-Granted, they probably don't have Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles stuff either, but hey, I had a very repressed childhood. Sue me.
-Hot nudist lesbian neighbors who like to sunbathe in the front yard and aren't afraid to get handsy with each other.
-Bumper cars. I would definately be the cool kid on the block with bumper cars.
-A garage with a bathroom. For all those times I get out to my car and then realize I suddenly have to go pee.
-A bowl with M&Ms. I must admit, I totally stole this idea from my great-grandmother who always had a bowl of M&Ms out when I was a kid.
-My very own screening room so I can get double cool points for charging my friends to watch the movies I steal on the internet. And also I've always wanted to watch porno on a theatre-sized screen just so I can see how big the boobs can actually get.
-Some vending machines to correct the current snacking situation around here. The other day I was having these "100 calorie" Twinkies, and it was a complete joke. The damn things were so small that by the time my taste buds recognized I was eating a Twinkie, I had already shit the Twinkies out.
-A nearby carwash run by bikini-clad coeds.
-A butler. I don't need a maid because I have a wife, but a butler would be nice. Like someone to hold the door open for me when I go into the bathroom to take a shit. That would be classy.
-Escalators instead of stairs.
-Or even elevators.
-A large area of the house only accessible through a secret door so I can open up my very own brothel.
-A McDonald's. I figure they're going up inside every other building I see, houses can't be too far behind.
-A fenced-in yard with an adjacent dog kennel so I can do the Monty Burns "Release the hounds" bit every time the Jehovah's Witnesses show up.
-My very own arcade. I don't actually go to the arcade ever. I have, however, always wanted my own. Or at least some arcade-style games. Like maybe one of those racing games where you sit like you're in the car. Or maybe a whack-a-mole game. Or even better, a whack-a-mole with real live midgets instead of the moles who stick their head up out of the holes. I'll call it "whack-a-midget." I'm prettty sure I just became the most awesome person ever. The "Whack-a-midget" idea pushed me past the last 38 people who were still ahead of me.