Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think there's anything in the world that feels better than a nice, satisfying shit. Ahhhhhh. So relaxing. And enjoyable. Smelly, but enjoyable. And even the smell isn't usually that bad. And by that I don't mean they stink. Trust me, my shits smell like, well, shit. What I mean is that usually your own shit doesn't smell that bad as you're taking it, since it's coming out of you. It's those poor bastards that have to use the bathroom five minutes after you that get it the worst. Ha.
You know the best kind of shit? What? You thought all shits were the same? Pssh. Amateur. There's all kinds of shits. There's the Baby Shit, when you just have to go a little and you're in and out in a couple minutes. The Epic Shit, where you're on the toilet for an hour or more becuase it's just barely too big to squeeze through your asshole. I've taken a few Epic Shits. I even wrote about one of them on here in Randy vs The Shit of Death. It's a pretty good read if I do say so myself. It's really quite a dramatic story that parallels the human struggle.
Yeah, ok, so it isn't. It's really just about me being gross and talking about the biggest mess I've ever had that resulted from an overflowing toilet. But anyway, back to the different kinds of shits. There's the "I Remember That" shit, where you can look at your shit and see what you ate earlier that day that just didn't want to stick around. There's the Mudslide Shit, when it's really runny and messy, but not quite runny enough to qualify as diarrhea. The Mudslide Shits are the worst shits to wipe up because they're usually really thick and it feels like wiping up paste. There's the Miracle Shit, where you feel the shit come out of your ass, see the shit in the toilet bowl, yet the toilet paper is totally clean when you wipe. There's the "Damn I Wish I'd Shit An Hour Ago" shit, when you have to shit for so long that it turns hard as a rock, so when you finally do get to the toilet, it doesn't want to come up because it's become petrified inside your bowels and you just sit there farting a lot. There's the Self-Cleaning Shit, which is when you actually shit so hard, and the shit hits the water with such force, that the water splashes up and actually washes your butt cheeks off because you even wipe. There's the Richard Simmons shit, where you shit so much it feels like you lost ten pounds. There's the Public Disturbance Shit, where it's so loud and painful you have to turn up the fan and the music so the neighbors don't hear you.
And then there's my favorite shit of all, the Ground Beef Shit. I call it the Ground Beef Shit, because it feels like when you have ground beef wrapped in the cylinder-shaped plastic, then when you push it out it comes very slowly, then all of a sudden pops out at the end. Well that's the Ground Beef Shit. It could also be called the Play-Doh shit, because it's kind of like pushing Play-Doh through those little things that make it come out in a funny shape.
Anyway, the Ground Beef Shit is what this article is all about. When you're sitting there on the toilet with a big old shit log that you push out slowly but surely, then all of a sudden, POP! It falls out and splashes into the water like a log ride at Six Flags. So relaxing. And it gives you a good opportunity to catch up on your reading, since it usually takes a little while to come out.
Anyway, I just did that.