So, as many of you are undoubtedly aware, President Barack Obama has recently been somewhat backed into the corner of admitting that he does, in fact, support gay marriage. And racists amd homophobes everywhere are screaming bloody murder at this terrible atrocity that a powerful human being could actually be in favor of allowing two people who love each other but happen to have the same naughty parts the same right to get married and enjoy the same legal protections that straight couples have had all along.
First of all, the gay marriage thing is going to happen sooner or later, so the bigots might as well accept it. And years from now, our grandkids are going to look at this situation right now in much the same way most sane people now look back at the time when black people had to use a different restroom, and they're going to be embarrassed for us and wonder what the fuck we were thinking. And the “civil union” advocates are the worst, because they pretend they're supporting gay rights, while still managing to make sure you know that they don't consider gays on the same level as straight people. You know, just like people who, decades ago, said they were in favor of black rights, just so long as everyone understood they weren't on the same level as white people. I mean really, you read these two sentences and tell me one is less bigoted than the other:
Sentence 1: “I believe black people are people too and should be treated with the same dignity and respect as white people. Just make sure they aren't allowed to use the same toilet as me when they take a shit.”
Sentence 2: “I believe gay people are people too and should be treated with the same dignity and respect as straight people. Just make sure they aren't allowed to use the same word for their romantic relationships that I use for mine.”
Call me blunt, but if you see any functional difference between the two, you are fucking crazy.
Now, I'm sure some of you are objecting to this because you feel very strongly against allowing gay marriage, and I'm going to explain exactly why you're fucking crazy. You see, every single anti-gay-marriage argument I have ever heard falls into one of four categories, which I will be shredding momentarily. I'm going to go from least crazy to most crazy, explaining exactly why anyone who uses any of these arguments is either clinically insane or just trying to justify their own homophobia.
Bullshit Argument #1: “Gay Parents Are Not Able to Raise Well-Adjusted Children.”
First of all, without even looking at the merits of gay parents, this argument is fucking crazy, because it implies that children raised by straight parents are automatically well-adjusted. Have you looked at children being raised recently? Most of them are not very well-adjusted. Kids are being neglected and abused at astonishing rates by straight parents. And then there's all the stories of horrible, heinous things straight people have done to their kids, like that nice straight woman from the Dayton, Ohio area who's been in court recently for killing her daughter via microwaving. I'm pretty sure that kid would've preferred to be raised by a gay couple rather than get microwaved by a straight mom. And then there was that whole Casey Anthony thing.
With the immense divorce/remarriage/birth out of wedlock/unplanned pregnancy rates there are, most children are not raised with both father and mother in the household anyway. Single parent households are extremely common, so if you're going to say that two men (or two women) can't raise a child because there's no opposite-sex parent present, then logically, you HAVE to say that single mothers and/or single fathers should not be allowed to raise children for the same reason, yet you don't hear people making that argument. Even when single parents remarry, the new step-parent (even if they are good parents in and of themselves), are not in the picture because they really wanted more kids, they're in the picture because they were attracted to the other parent. Wouldn't it be better for a child to be raised by two loving adults who both wanted that child rather than one loving parent and one step-parent who is in the picture just so they can bone the little brat's mom (or dad)?
So really, saying gay people shouldn't be allowed to raise kids because straight people can do it better is nothing short of ridiculous. Hell, with the super bangup job straight couples are doing, maybe straight couples shouldn't be allowed to raise kids, either. Give all the kids to gay couples, because kids can't possibly end up any worse off than they are now. And honestly, as the husband of a pre-school teacher, I should let you in on a secret. More often than not, gay people actually make really good parents. My wife has often said that a lot of the best, most caring parents she interacts with are gay couples. Who would've thought gay people, who tend to be more in touch with their emotions and have higher E.Q.s could actually be good at loving and caring for a child?
Bullshit Argument #2: “I Believe in the Sanctity of Marriage.”
If you really believe that the word “marriage” is somehow sacred in our society, I would love some of whatever you're smoking, because anyone who honestly thinks that marriage is sacred in today's world is fucking insane.
Kim Kardashian (who was twice divorced at 30) had a big extravagant wedding that just so happened to coincide with her “reality” TV show season. Almost immediately after the big wedding aired, she got divorced, so then you wanted to watch her spinoff show to see what went wrong with her two-month wedding. After Tim Tebow turned her down for being a total whore, she started hooking up with Kanye West so you would want to watch the next season of her show to see what happens with that. Her entire romantic life has been a ratings ploy for the past two years. Are you telling me that a gay couple who loves each other is more insulting to the idea of the sanctity of marriage than someone who uses a wedding and a divorce as a TV ratings ploy?
And it isn't even like rapid weddings and divorces are unusual at all for our society. Over 50% of first marriages end in divorce, and some people get married and divorced with the same frequency they get a new car. Personally, my parents have three divorces between them, and they managed to stay married for twenty years, which is more than most couples seem to manage anymore.
Infidelity is also extremely rampant. How many people do you know personally who have cheated on a spouse? I personally can think of fourteen just off the top of my head who I know for a fact have cheated on a spouse, and I don't even have that many friends, and I don't really talk to people about that kind of thing. Not to mention, I know another dozen people who are currently married to people who they knew had already cheated on them before they even got married. Shit, my wife's married friend just recently admitted to her that she had been trying to arrange to do things together as a couple so she could try and get me alone because she wanted to have an affair with me. Not to mention all the people who get married for anything in the world other than love (money, status, etc). And you really want to tell gay people they can't get married because of the sanctity of marriage? You really believe that casual marriage, marrying for money, a high divorce rate, and rampant cheating doesn't violate the sanctity of marriage, but two dudes getting married does? Give me a fucking break, people.
Not to mention, marriage is what YOU make of it, not what someone else makes of it. Just because someone else has a different idea of what marriage is doesn't affect yours in any way. Kim Kardashian getting married for ratings doesn't bother me because it's her life and her decision and it doesn't affect me or my marriage with my wife in any way whatsoever. Similarly, you shouldn't care about a couple getting married that's a little different from you because their marriage doesn't affect you or your marriage in the slightest.
Bullshit Argument #3: “Gay marriage would lead to the end of mankind because gay couples can't have babies.”
This one might be the most hilarious argument against gay marriage out there, because when people say this, they're really saying that they're only straight because it's illegal to marry someone of the same sex. I don't know about you, but as a straight man, if gay marriage were legalized tomorrow, I would not just tell my wife goodbye, file for divorce, and jump into a big naked pile of men. I am with a woman because I like women, not because I can't legally marry a man. I would assume that there are other couples out there like me who would stay together even if gays are allowed to get married, because they're together because they love each other, not because legally they can't marry someone of the same sex. And if this crazy theory is correct and some couples are together because they are attracted to each other, and not because they can't marry the same sex, then that means the legalization of gay marriage would not be the end of human reproduction.
Saying gay marriage would lead to the end of mankind is saying that every single currently straight person in the world would break it off with their current spouse and nobody would ever have straight sex (thus producing babies) ever again. Really, people who say this must think gay sex is really super awesome if they think the only reason people are having straight sex is so they can legally get married. So if you're a man and you are honestly giving this argument, what you're really saying is that the only thing standing between you and a good old-fashioned ass-pounding is the fact that you can't marry the pounder. And if you're a women giving this argument, you're really saying that you strongly prefer a good old fashioned fisting and rug-munching party, but you have to settle for a man because the law won't allow you to marry a woman.
Bullshit Argument #4: “The Bible (or any other religious work/belief) Says Homosexuality is Wrong.”
If you want to base your life on the Bible, that's cool with me. Go ahead, knock yourself right out, and I'm not going to say you're wrong for doing so, because that's entirely up to you. If living your life based on the Bible makes you happy, then you should do it. What I am going to say, is that if you assume everyone else believe as you do and you attempt to forcibly impose those beliefs and that way of life other others, then you are an ignorant, presumptuous son of a bitch.
You absolutely have the right to base your personal decisions on an old book that you really like. And so do I. As a matter of fact, from now on, I think I'm going to do the same thing. I'm going to base my life on a book I really like that's really old, it has a collection of stories about a great leader of men who spent his life helping those around him, which was spoken in oral tradition between many people before being collected into one place, has some very good life lessons, has been translated into many different versions and languages, including Old English and present-day English,has been passed down for centuries, and has inspired many retellings over the years in the form of plays, books, movies, TV shows, and the like. That's right. From this day forward, I'm going to base my life on the book Robin Hood.
Yes, Robin Hood. Robin Hood has endured through the centuries and has had a profound effect and influence on people based on many of the positive messages contained in the book. Messages such as the importance of comeraderie and maintaining close relationships with friends, placing the good of the community before the good of yourself, and helping the less fortunate. These are some very good lessons that have changed my life and I am going to base my personal life around the teachings in this wonderful book. And you know what? That's totally cool, and I am allowed to do that because that's my choice.
So what I'm going to do, is I've decided that Bill Gates has too much money, and his money should be redistributed to the less fortunate. So I'm going to go to Bill Gates' house and kidnap him. I'm going to forcibly bring him to my house, where me and my friends will entertain him all night with activities such as charades, Wii Monopoly, playing Tug-of-War with my dog, and watching my favorite Stone Cold Steve Austin DVD. It will be super fun, and Bill Gates will enjoy the hell out of himself. And then, at the end of the night, we'll let him go free, unharmed, just as long as he signs control of Microsoft over to me so I can sell all the stocks and donate the money to poor people. It will be totally a super awesome plan and I'm sure the police won't have a problem with it in the least, because it is my right to base my life on an old book and nobody has the right to question me.
Wait, you mean the police WILL have a problem with it? You mean to tell me that I can't decide to base my life off what somebody wrote in some fucking book a long-ass time ago in a primitive, unenlightened culture, and then decide to forcibly impose my will on other people and expect everyone to just accept it and say “Oh well, he's entitled to his beliefs, we can't say anything about it”?
THAT'S RIGHT ASSHOLE, YOU FUCKING CAN'T. If you want to base your life on a book, like I said earlier, that's great, knock yourself right the fuck out, and I won't say anything. But the second you try and take something that was written in that book that you personally accept as a moral guideline, and try and force other people to accept that moral guideline, and you want to presume to tell OTHER people how to live their life based on YOUR crazy-ass belief, then I am absolutely going to say something about it. If YOU think gays getting married is wrong, that's a YOU thing, that's not a THEM thing. If someone of a different religious background came to power and outlawed something you care about, you'd get pretty pissed off, so it's extremely hypocritical to do the same thing to gays and act like it's somehow different because your magic book is better than other people's magic book.
As a matter of fact, the Bible itself instructs you to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." How many Christians have you ever heard say "I would have others whose beliefs are diametrically opposed to mine persecute me and force me to be unable to live my life according to what I believe is right"? Yeah, I haven't heard any say that either. However, I've heard a whole lot of them say "I would have others grant me the freedom to believe as I wish and to live my life as I wish without interference, regardless of their own personal beliefs." I am so fucking tired of hypocritical motherfuckers who babble about relgious freedom while trying to oppress others. Religious freedom is the ability for YOU to believe as YOU want, and to practice as YOU want. It is NOT a blanket license to force anybody else to accept your point of view and live their life according to YOUR principals when their actions don't affect anybody else.
While on the subject of this, the people who use this argument to oppose gay marriage should really probably pipe down, because if this is the reason gay marriage isn't allowed, then it's actually a direct violation of the Constitution. You know, the part about keeping Church and State seperate and not imposing any one religion or its' beliefs onto U.S. citizens? Yeah, that seems kind of in conflict with the current climate of people who don't like homosexuality because of their religious precepts getting laws passed forcing those religious precepts onto people.
But then again, what the hell do I know? I actually think about these things myself and THEN form an opinion, as opposed to just blindly accepting whatever my parents and biased "news" shows tell me to think, so clearly I must be the crazy one.