Before Saturday I'd never been to a casino in my life. I thought they were just stuffy, smoky places where masochistic people go to lose their hard-earned money on the spin of a wheel or the roll of the dice. After my first gambling adventure Saturday night (I lost all my money), I realized that casinos are, in fact, stuffy, smoky places where masochistic people go to lose their hard-earned money on the spin of a wheel or the roll of the dice. But they're also funny, because there are so many stereotypes there. Like the:
Amateur:
The amateur is the most easily recognized of all gamblers. They're the ones who come in the door, walk around the room in wide-eyed fashion, trying to decide where to lose their money first. The amateur also gives himself away by stopping to gape at slot machines that cost more than a dollar to play, unable to imagine why anyone would bet so much on the spin of a wheel. They are also prone to rubbernecking any time they see a large jackpot on a machine. When the amateur finally does decide on a game, they will still be easily identified due to their penchant for cheering at small wins, such as winning $5 on a $1 bet, as well as their animated disbelief when the pictures on the slot stop just above the payline, rather than through it, leading to cries of "Oh I almost had it!"
Gamblaholic:
The gamblaholic is most easily discerned by the balding head and business attire, complete with a tie that gets looser around his neck as the evening wears on. The gamblaholic is often very nervous, worried sick what their gambling losses are doing to their family, yet unable to control themselves. When watching the gamblaholic, one can see the telltale signs of a gambling problem; clenched fists, wide-open eyes, excessive sweat, tense posture, as well as very animated motions such as grabbing of the hair and loud sighs of relief depending on how the gamblaholic's fortunes are that particular outing.
College Kid:
The college kid can be recognized by his college or fraternity t-shirt, backwards baseball cap, below-average intelligence girlfriend, and cheery demeanor. And why wouldn't he be cheery? It's not his money he's losing, it's Daddy's money. So hell, it really isn't even money at all to this particular gambler. He just shows up, buys beers, blows all Daddy's money, then goes up to his hotel room and has sex with his slutty blonde girlfriend, getting the herpes she got from his best friend in the process.
Professional Gambler:
This particular casino goer is recognized by two main things. First, he is recognized by his behavior patterns. He enters the casino, goes straight to his favorite card table or slot machine, and goes to work, in much the same manner as a regular Joe would do at a factory. There is rarely any deviation in the professional gambler's routine. He knows what he's good at, and sticks to it. You see, the professional gambler is a man of no regular paycheck. He makes his living by gambling. He brings money, gambles, then goes home and pays the rent with his winnings. Then he comes back and does the same thing the next week. The second recognizable characteristic of the professional gambler is the way in which said gambler is treated by the casino workers. The casino workers will treat said gambler as family, and he might as well be, because the workers see him on such a regular basis. In fact, he probably spends more time at the casino earning his living than the casino employees spend at the casino making theirs.
Gold Digger:
One of the most common, yet despised of the casino stereotypes, the gold digger is one of the most obvious stereotypes to pick out. The gold digger will come in by herself (or with her older husband who then goes off to play poker), walks straight over to her favorite slot machine, and will not move until she is ready to leave. She will sit at the same slot machine, legs crossed, a cigarette hanging in one hand, while she gambles away everything she came with. Like the college kid, her losses are not money to her. The money is her husband's, who got it from his bailout-financed bonus check, only to bring it home to his middle-aged, dried up wife, a hollow shell of the trophy wife she had once been, bitter at the world because of her sagging vagina and the knowledge that she has spent her life whoring herself to an older man for gambling money.
Wannabe Gold Digger:
Not quite the junior version of a gold digger as you may expect, the wannabe is at the casino to meet and impress her future older, rich husband. The wannabe is instantly recognized due to the fact that she is alone and will likely be the most dressed up person in the whole joint. She will likely only spend very little on actual gambling, and then only so she can sit next to a potential source of future income, for whom she will make sure to lean forward as much as she can, giving ample view of her cleavage. If she's got it, you can guarantee the wannabe is showing as much as she possibly can.
The Pokerface
The pokerface isn't just someone who comes in and plays poker. To the pokerface, poker isn't a game, or even a hobby, it is a lifestyle. The pokerface is somewhat similar to the professional gambler in that neither receives regular W-2s and that they are both very much creatures if habit. They will come in on the same days, at the same time, and, if it's available, sit in the same seat at the same table. As the name implies, the pokerface works very hard at showing no emotion whatsoever. As it's a lifestyle, rather than a game, this spills over into the pokerface's interactions away from the table. Whether parking their car, buying a drink, or taking a leak in the restroom, the pokerface is always looking nothing but serious.
The Hopeful Carpet-Watcher
The Watchers, as they're called for short, are very easily identified simply by looking at their eyes. If their eyes are on the floor, you've got a watcher. The watchers come with very little money of their own, buy a drink in an attempt to fit in, and then spend almost all their time staring at the floor, hoping against hope to find discarded or lost unclaimed cash redemption tickets. The watcher are usually poor, dirty, and smell a little bit like dead animals. They are best avoided.