As you're all aware by now (hopefully), Obama was re-elected. Before I go any further, let me remind you all, I didn't vote for him either. As previously revealed on the site, I voted for Stone Cold Steve Austin. So I am not an Obama supporter by any stretch of the imagination. As a matter of fact, the only thing I find more depressing than the fact that he got re-elected is the fact that the Republicans managed to find quite possibly the only living human being with the ability to lose an election to someone with such a horrible record as what Obama had.
Having said that, can y'all shut the fuck up about it already? In the month since he's been re-elected, I've heard people blame Obama for everything from the fiscal cliff (which is the result of EVERYONE in Washington not being able to get along enough to work out a proper budget), to the post-election increase in gas prices that seems to have only occurred at gas stations frequented by Republicans, to the fact that you have to fill out a lot of paperwork to sell a house. Yes, that's right. I finally closed on my house last week and the seller was complaining to the bank representative that we have to fill out so much paperwork because of Obama. Maybe it's me, but when I'm borrowing a large sum of money that I will be paying back over the next 25 years to buy a house for my family, spending a half hour reading and signing paperwork is the least of my concerns.
But on the other hand, maybe I'm the crazy one. Maybe it all really is Obama's fault. Maybe he really does have a negro President magic wand that he waves while chanting a spell in Kenyan that does nothing else but make everything harder for the honest, hard-working white folks. So let's all put on our tinfoil hats and see what else we can blame on Obama:
- My tiny crooked penis.
- I'm fat.
- I just had bronchitis.
- I've not been able to write as much on here because I've been extremely busy with incoming baby stuff, as well as updating my all new web site ifididntwatchwrestling.com (shameless plug).
- All the close games the Lions were pulling out and winning at the last minute last year, they're losing this year.
- The ridiculous rule that burned the Lions on Thanksgiving that essentially gifted the Texans a free touchdown where if a coach throws the challenge flag on a play that is automatically reviewed, their team not only gets a 15-yard penalty, but they cannot benefit from any challenge that would otherwise have been done automatically. Seriously, throwing the flag is more comparable to a delay of game penalty, but rather than the 5-yard penalty a team gets for delay of game, they get the same amount of penalty yardage as a dangerous and illegal hit, plus they have to suffer whatever boneheaded call the refs made that led to the flag being thrown in the first place. Kind of a stiff penalty, don't you think?
- Speaking of horrible refs, I'm pretty sure Obama is the reason we had replacement refs for the first three games.
- Michael Strahan has lowered himself to playing second banana to what's-her-nuts on that daytime show for housewives.
- We finally got rid of "The Jersey Shore," only to have it replaced with "The West Virginia Shore" or whatever the fuck the name of the white trash hillbilly sequel is called.
- Speaking of white trash hillbillies, I'm pretty sure Honey Boo Boo is Obama's fault, too.
- The Star Wars franchise was sold to Disney, meaning it's only a matter of time before Princess Leia starts showing up next to Cinderella and the Little Mermaid on merchandise and we see Mickey's Star Wars, in which Mickey Mouse is Luke Skywalker and Michael Eisner is Darth Vader.
- The world is about to end if the Mayans were right, and I don't think I'm alone in thinking Obama could have a hand in the end of the world.
- If not, it's probably Obama's fault that the Mayans weren't nearly as smart as we thought.
- Sylvester Stallone had a seriously creepy mustache in the new Expendables movie.
- Batman and Bane played second fiddle to their girlfriends in the big finale to the trilogy. Probably because Obama wanted his wife and daughters to feel included.
- Speaking of huge disappointments, there's several bands I used to love like 10-15 years ago that had long been split up who are getting back together, probably because Obama told them to. And while the idea of Soundgarden getting back together would've thrilled my teenage self who was extremely heartbroken when they split up, my 31-year-old self thinks if their reunion is going to lead to the shitty new songs I've heard them play, then they probably should've stayed broken up so I could at least always remember them being a great band that never had a major decline like so many others I loved dearly, only to watch them release more and more albums that got less and less listenable (looking at you Pearl Jam).
- I'm in a birthing class with my wife and it's creepy as shit. Last week, we spent half the class talking about how the wives are going to wish they were dead when they're in labor and the other half was spent on massaging and different things you can do and use to massage your wife during labor. So there we were all massaging our wives with the other couples there feeling creepy as hell.
- That teacher in that class is kind of a moron and I'm pretty sure that's also Obama's fault.
- My DVR is getting full because Obama made DVRs small.
- I can't go see the midnight showing of "The Hobbit" because my wife is being a pussy and doesn't want to stay out that late.
- CM Punk is hurt and just had surgery, and is consequently going to have to miss his Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match. I think Obama told WWE to schedule his surgery for now just to be a dick.
- And speaking of wrestling stuff that not one other person is going to give a flying fuck about, every single time my wife has gotten an ultrasound, my son has had his hands in front of his face like he's doing John Cena's "You Can't See Me" bullshit. That shit drives me nuts. Asshole, you're tall, jacked up as shit, a very recognizable celebrity, and wearing bright colorful shirts. I'm pretty sure Helen Keller can see you.
Hey, that feels much better. It's really nice to have a scapegoat for everything that goes wrong in life. Now I have someone else I can blame for absolutely everything so I never have to take any personal responsibility for anything. From now on, everything is Obama's fault. Like how the McRib is back, but my wife and I are trying to cut down on the fast food, so I'm having to avoid the single greatest food ever conceived.
Fuckin' Obama.
people are wondering what the hell took me so long to realize that everything was Obama's fault