Well, I'm done. After 12 years and practically my entire working life, I am officially no longer a Friendly's employee. And yes, I who can barely tolerate my fellow human beings have been a manager at a family restaurant called Friendly's which prides itself on having friendly, outgoing, and caring people who truly enjoy interacting with other people. Irony is ironic.
But that's all over now, as I've managed to Kevin Federline my way into a better job and I just worked my last shift as a Friendly's manager. So now as I look back on the last 12 years, are there some things I'll miss? Yeah, sure. I really did like some of the people I worked with (but don't tell them I said that) and I think I did a lot of good things there that I'm proud of. But there's a lot more over the last 12 years that I will not miss one God damn bit. And I'm sorry to all my former coworkers who may be reading this, but no, this is not a burial of anyone there (although God knows I could easily do such a thing). I believe this is not the appropriate place for any of that. BUT, there are plenty of other things I can certainly bitch about here. Such as...
- Assholes who talk to me as though I give a fuck about the kind of day they had, their dumbass kid, their jerk boss, or any other problems they feel compelled to share with me as though I'm supposed to care because they spent $2 on an ice cream cone. I'm not your friend, your parent, or your fucking psychiatrist and I do not give a God damn about anything that is going on in your fucking life. And even if I was your psychiatrist, your few measly dollars wouldn't be enough for me to give you the answers to fix all your pathetic problems.
- Assholes who talk to me about their plans for the weekend, their new puppy, or any other stupid bullshit they know damn well I don't give a fuck about.
- Especially the assholes that talk to me about the weather. If you as a person do not have anything more interesting or important to talk about than the weather, you need to shut the fuck up.
- This doubly applies to the assholes that want to blame me for the weather, or who go out knowing the weather is terrible with unrealistic expectations about how clean and/or dry we will be able to keep the premises in inclement weather. Like the assholes who walk in the door one minute after we open when there's a blizzard out and complain about the snow or ice in the doorway, even though they can see the salt on the walk I will have put out as soon as I opened the building to let employees in. I can't make salt melt ice any faster no matter how much you want to hold me personally responsible for making bad weather. Or the people who bitch about our lot not being plowed the minute we open when it snowed the night before. Apparently, people think the company that does our plowing only has one customer so they can automatically get to us the minute it starts snowing. But no, they have a lot of customers, and believe it or not, Friendly's is not nearly the top of the list on plowing priorities people. Another common one is the people who go out when it's pouring down rain and complain that the entryway isn't bone dry. I'll put doormats out and wet floor signs up, and I'll mop up with a dry mop every 15-20 minutes, but when it's raining you cannot expect that a doorway where dozens of people are walking inside will stay completely dry. If you don't like it, don't go out in bad weather.
- Assholes who tell me about their experiences at other restaurants. All I care about as a manager at THIS restaurant is how your visit went at THIS restaurant and if there is anything I can do to improve THIS restaurant. I don't give a flying fuck if you think Bob Evans' bacon is too flat and burnt, or if you're here because that dumb bitch at Frisch's fucked up your order. I don't fucking care. You're here, that's all I care about. If you have something to tell me relative to THIS restaurant, then by all means, tell me. But shut the fuck up about everybody else's restaurant because I have nothing to do with that and can't do anything about it. I'm not going to get a warm fuzzy knowing you were unhappy at Bob Evans so you came here and you liked it. I just don't fucking care. I only care if you intend to come back again when you walk out my door.
- Along with this, the assholes who talk to me about all their Friendly's memories. I don't give two shits about your 10th birthday party that you had at a Friendly's in Massachusetts and how you love coming to Friendly's because it takes you back to your childhood. You don't care about my life story, why the fuck would you assume I care about yours?
- Dipshits who think they're funny when they're really just stupid assholes. Like the comedic geniuses who still, after several years of Ohio having a law banning smoking in public buildings, ask to sit in the smoking section and then laugh uproariously as though they've just said something funny. Asshole, do you have any idea how many thousands of times I've heard unoriginal jackwagons say the same fucking thing? Or there's the assholes who, when you ask them if there's anything you can get them they say "Yeah! A million dollars!" Or the parents whose kids order our Monster sundae and then they make a comment about how their little monster is getting a monster. Yeah douche bag, I've definitely never heard that before you stupid pig-fucking inbred dipshit asshole. And the really incredible thing is, when people say this stupid shit, if I punched them in the face, somehow, I would be the bad guy. Figure that shit out.
- Assholes who assume that because I'm working at a restaurant I must be a high school dropout who can't get a real job. News flash dipshit, we're in a fucking recession and have been for the last several years so there's a lot of unemployed people and even more underemployed people, so I'm just grateful to have had a job. I graduated college just in time for people to stop hiring, so I decided to stick it out where I was until things got better because I didn't want to be part of that 10% unemployed part of the population or the many others who got better jobs which then shut down so they were out of work or having to crawl back to their old jobs with their tails between their legs. I had something I was good at and was making a living with when so many other people couldn't say that, so rather than take a risk in a terrible economy I stayed put, worked my way up the ladder, got a couple promotions, and got as much knowledge and experience as I could along the way. Seems to have worked out well for me, thanks for asking.
- Dumb bastards who are willing to die for an ice cream cone. A few weeks ago, our area had a lot of pretty bad tornadoes. After one of those tornadoes a customer filled out one of our online surveys and left a compliment that they appreciated the calm manner in which the manager on duty was instructing people what to do if a tornado should approach the building, and the customer was impressed by this because it was a very scary situation and it was nice to have a calm person in command of the situation. Of course my reaction to this was WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING GOING OUT FOR ICE CREAM IN A FUCKING TORNADO!?!?!?!?!?! Seriously, who the fuck says to themselves "Oh shit, there's a tornado coming, I better go get an ice cream cone!" Also, every winter, no matter how terrible the weather is, people still risk their lives to come out to eat, and get pissed off if you adjust your hours for the safety of your employees. Last winter I got chewed out by a customer because we were closing at 9:00 instead of midnight when we'd already had five inches of snow and were supposed to get several more in the next couple hours and it was already illegal to be driving on the road. This customer was severely pissed off because their family was going to be joining them about fifteen minutes later and I said we wouldn't be letting anyone else in past 9:00 so our employees could get home safely. The man's response was "Fuck your employees, your sign says you're open until midnight, that's false advertising to be closing earlier than that!"
- Old fuckers who are about to die anyway who are just pissed off at the world who take all their geriatric aggression out on the younguns whose dicks still work. Like the guy who comes in every day and sits right in front of the kitchen window so he can time exactly how long it takes his server to run his food when it comes up in the window so he can tell her how awful she is. Or the guy who comes in with his group of old men once a month and complains about his meal every single time that it tastes terrible and is already complaining that he should have his food already while the server is still taking the rest of his group's order.
- Other old fuckers who bitch about the temperature being too cold even though other people complain about it being too hot.
- Yet other old fuckers who can't remember what the fuck they ordered ten minutes later so they send a bunch of food back that goes to waste because they can't remember shit.
- Still other old fuckers (or anyone, really) who complain about how much our prices have gone up as though inflation only exists within the walls of Friendly's and we're doing it on purpose just to fuck them over. Yeah, sorry to break it to you but food prices have gone up everywhere, not just here. If you don't like it, I suggest buying a fucking cookbook and cooking for your damn self.
- Just old people in general. Fuck old people.
- Especially old church people. Double fuck them. Self-righteous assholes. Although it was hilarious a few weeks ago when our Sunday morning church groups of old people came in complaining how the rapture didn't happen like they thought it was going to. They were all ready to go to heaven and see Jesus and now they have to sit around and wait to die.
- Church people of any age. Church people are the rudest customers of all. Like the family that came in on a Sunday night, talked down to their server the entire time they were there, and instead of a tip left a pamphlet on how people who work on Sundays all go to hell. The best part was the stupid bitch actually put her church's name and phone number on the pamphlet. Boy did they get an earful. Not to mention that if you truly believe people who work on Saturday are going to hell, then you shouldn't be eating out on a Sunday, thus creating demand for people to work on Sunday.
- Or any cheap church bastards who leave religious pamphlets in lieu of a cash tip. The self-righteous pricks sometimes even actually try to tell you that what they've left for you is "better than a tip." Uh, no asshole, it's not. Jesus isn't going to pay my rent. If you eat out, leave a fucking tip. Your religious opinions are not better than a tip, and if you honestly believe that, you're only deluding yourself, you cheap piece of shit.
- Other cheap pieces of shit who don't understand our coupon policy which is written on all of our coupons (one coupon per party per visit and coupons cannot be used in conjunction with any other discounts or promotional offers) and think we owe it to them to let them stack as many coupons and discounts as they want. Like the group of four assholes last week who wanted to get our senior meals (which are already discounted) and use three coupons on top of that. Had I allowed that, they would have been getting about 35 dollars worth of food for 10 dollars. You cannot run a business like that and continue to stay open. These chuckleheads didn't understand that their threats to never come back if I didn't cave in to them really don't do anything for me when we would be losing money on that transaction. Dumbass, if your "business" is costing us more money than what you're giving us, then we're better off if you don't come back because we are losing money on you.
- Speaking of coupons, people who expect to get coupon discounts without having the coupon or who expect us to have coupons in the store to hand out to customers. Dipshits, the entire point of issuing coupons is to encourage business you may otherwise not get. It isn't to make less money than what we could from people who are in the store anyway. If your bill is $25, and you came in without a coupon and knowingly ordered $25 dollars worth of food, why on Earth would we tell you to only pay $20? That's fucking retarded.
- And while we're on the subject, dumb fucking assholes who accuse me of only caring about making money as though that's a bad thing. Asshole, it's A FUCKING BUSINESS! The point of a BUSINESS is to make MONEY. If you're not making MONEY, your BUSINESS will fail and you will be out of a job.
- Kind of related, people who will lie to your face to save a few dollars on their bill. Like the people who order a meal, eat the whole thing, and then complain that it was completely inedible and that they want their money back after they've already eaten. Or like the guy last week who lied to me right in front of his kids when he told me he wanted to use two coupons for his family of four people and he said that his server had told him he would be allowed to use both, even though I knew damn well they hadn't because we've been up servers' asses about coupon abuse lately because it's gotten a lot worse since those fucking Extreme Couponing shows went on (which is a rant for another day). I was not about to let this asshole lie to me to cheat us out of money so I called his bluff and told him that if his server told him he could use both coupons then that was a direct violation of our money handling policies and that I would be forced to find another server because she was costing us money. So the guy's face turned white and he said "Well...maybe she didn't directly say I could use both, I'm not sure." So I said "So you mean you just lied to me in front of your young, impressionable children because a few dollars is worth more to you than personal integrity?" The guy and his wife just looked down at their plates and I walked away. Maybe I shouldn't have called him out on his shitty parenting, but it makes me sick when people lie to people in restaurants to get their bills lowered under false pretenses. If you get something free under false pretenses, it costs someone else money, and it makes it harder for those people working at that place to get a raise or get health insurance when dishonest customers cost businesses money because they don't care about anyone but themselves.
- Along those lines, scamming pieces of shit. Like the guy two weeks ago who called me up yelling and cussing at me and wanting a refund. He claimed his family had been in the day before and gotten burgers and milk shakes to go, but when they got home, one of their milk shakes had a hair in it, which caused his daughter to throw up because it was the single most disgusting thing she had ever seen in her entire life, which then caused the rest of the family to throw up and as a result of this ordeal he wanted a complete refund immediately for their entire bill because of this tragic ordeal we put his family through. Of course, the man couldn't remember what time they came in, the actual names of the items they ordered (we have about 10 different burgers, but he couldn't remember which ones they ordered), the person who helped them, or how much they paid. Just in the conversation I had with him there were about 7 different red flags that it was a scammer. I explained to him that without a receipt (which he obviously didn't have), I would have to look at our carryout sales records to find a copy of the transaction to give him a refund, so he immediately started threatening me with calling the corporate office and getting me fired. So when I gave him the number freely because I have nothing to hide, he immediately backed off and just said he didn't want to go to all that trouble, he just wanted a refund right now and said he didn't understand why restaurants are so unwilling to take their customers at their word and just give them a refund because they're afraid to lose "a dollar." This despite the fact that the order he claims they got would have been over $40, which I am not about to just hand someone for no reason. So I told him it sounds like he has a lot of experience getting refunds for food, but that I couldn't find a record of his transaction the previous day so I wasn't able to help him unless he could either produce a receipt or tell me the name of the person who had waited on him so I could verify that the transaction actually happened. So he hung up on me because he knew I was onto him.
- Assholes who think that just because someone works in food service gives you the right to treat them like shit. Like the guy who once parked his car in the fire lane directly in front of the front door (forcing other customers to walk around his car), came in, sat down at the counter, laughed when I asked him to move his car, told me to shutup and get him an ice cream cone, then threw a random assortment of change on the counter and told me to pick it up, count out the correct amount, and give the rest back to him. I picked it up and counted it for him, and gave myself a hefty tip out of his change pile for my efforts. Then the police received an anonymous tip that someone was parked in a fire lane and had refused to move. Not sure how much the man's ticket was, but that was one hell of an expensive ice cream cone that day.
- Speaking of the fire lane, assholes who park in the fire lane and get pissy when you ask them to move because it's illegal to park in a fire lane. Like the old lady who parked in the fire lane, asked me if it was okay, argued with me when I told her it wasn't and I tried to explain that it was the law, not my personal preference, then left her car parked there anyway. Yeah, she got fined too. That seemed to happen a lot when people parked in the fire lane when I was working.
- Speaking of fire hazards, people who insist on moving tables and chairs into the middle of aisles to accommodate their group, thus creating a fire hazard because you can't get around them. Like the table who asked me to move a table into the middle of the aisle for them directly in front of the fire exit, then got pissed and moved it anyway when I told them I couldn't because it was a fire hazard, and then we later got fined for that because a fire marshal happened to be eating there and saw that we had our fire exit completely blocked off. Of course, the customer who moved the table didn't think they should have to pay that fine despite the fact they had moved the table themselves after being told it was a fire hazard.
- Speaking of people getting us fined, the assholes who deliberately violate the Ohio law banning smoking either in public buildings or near their entrances, which is punishable by a fine to the business. Even after being asked to either put out their cigarette or go to their car, the business still gets fined, not the individual.
- Shitty parents who can't keep their fucking kids under control. Like the family whose dumbass kid who was playing tag and ran into me while I was carrying a tray of drinks, causing me to spill a glass of water on his mom, who then told me maybe I would have better balance if I wasn't so fat. And maybe I'd have better balance if she'd used a fucking condom until she learned to handle her fucking kids better.
- Or the shitty parents who think it's cute when their kids make a mess for someone else to clean up, like the kid who saw me clean the front door, then walked over to it with a big smile on his face, smeared ice cream all down the door I'd just cleaned, and ran back to his table where he and his family all laughed, because that's apparently acceptable behavior in that family.
- Or the shitty parents who are up their kids' asses about saying please and thank you to their server, despite the fact they don't say please or thank you themselves. How is your kid supposed to learn manners if you yourself are not displaying those manners? Dumbass.
- Or the shitty parents who have no idea what they should be ordering for their kids. Like the dumb bitch who told her server her son was allergic to peanuts so she had to make sure his food didn't come into contact with peanut butter, and then she ordered him a Reese's peanut butter cup sundae. I really wish I was making that one up because just remembering it made my fucking head hurt.
- Dumb toolbags who get pissed off that you got their order wrong when the food they're bitching about wasn't theirs. For example, two people at a table order turkey melts, one gets fries, one gets cole slaw. When you deliver the food, the person who ordered the turkey melt with fries sees you holding the turkey melt with cole slaw and bitches at you that you got their order wrong, when you're holding their turkey melt with fries in your other hand. The best part is they usually just get madder when they realize they've just acted like a total jackass so they somehow blame you for their stupidity.
- Or dumb toolbags who order the wrong thing, then get pissed at you when you bring out what they ordered. This usually happens when people look at a picture in the menu and want that item, but they actually order a different item listed because they haven't actually read the item name.
- Or dumb toolbags who don't actually read menu descriptions before ordering items, then after it has already been made they say "Oh, I didn't realize this was made with that ingredient, I don't like that, could you remake it for me?" That's why we have descriptions in the fucking menus dumbass. So you can fucking read them and know what fucking comes on them.
- Or dumb toolbags who order something off the menu, which has prices listed, eat it, then complain after they get their bill that the thing they ordered and ate knowing the price, is too expensive and they shouldn't have to pay that much and I should risk losing my job by letting customers make up their own prices. Sorry asshole, when you see a price listed, yet still order and eat that item, you've agreed to pay the listed price. If you don't want to pay for it, I guess you shouldn't have ordered and eaten it. This isn't the fucking Saudi Arabian town bizarre, we're not bartering with goats and buckets of beans here. The prices and portions are not negotiable. If you don't want to pay the listed price, you're welcome to order something else or go somewhere else whose prices you like better.
- Or the dumb toolbags who order the most expensive thing on the menu with the biggest markup and then bitch about how our prices are too high. We have some very good deals (such as a $2.99 breakfast and a $9.99 meal that includes an entree, side, drink, and a sundae) that are very affordable. If the price of a steak tip dinner is too high, get one of our cheap meals and stop bitching about everything being too expensive.
- Or toolbags in general who try to pull shit you can't do at any other business just because it's a restaurant. Like people who try to get you to lower your prices as if they're negotiable or want you to give them bigger portions because they think they're too small. You wouldn't see someone try that at a grocery store. Like you personally don't think a gallon of milk is big enough so you ask the person running the register to give you another half gallon for no additional cost. There is no difference whatsoever.
- Speaking of grocery store comparisons, dipshits who think they can bring in competitor's coupons to a restaurant. Listen bitch, I don't know why exactly the fuck I'm going to give you a free Friendly's ice cream cake because you have a coupon for a free ice cream cake from Dairy Queen, but it ain't fucking happening. The best was a guy who got really pissed off that I wouldn't honor a Baskin-Robbins coupon that was for an item we couldn't even make because we didn't have the right ingredients so the guy expected me to send someone to a store to buy the ingredients so I could honor his Baskin-Robbins coupon at Friendly's because apparently on whatever planet this asshole came from that's what people do.
- And then there's the assholes who want you to do any of these things and act like you owe it to them to make an exception for them. They understand that you're only doing your job but they were hoping you could make an exception just for them since they're apparently so awesome and they act all buddy-buddy with you because they want you to risk your job to do them a favor since they think they're special and then they get pissed when they find out they're not.
- And then there was the asshole who worked for the Better Business Bureau who expected you to do all those things for him you weren't supposed to do because it would be a shame if the restaurant had trouble with the Better Business Bureau because you couldn't be reasonable. Yeah, he used to come in all the time and he would literally show you his Better Business Bureau ID when he walked in the front door, then tell you he hoped you could be accommodating for him since he didn't want to have to cause trouble for us but he would if he had to. Then he'd make a bunch of demands he'd expect from us that he knew damn well nobody else would get.
- Or like when a former city council member came in and demanded their check be taken care of because we should be grateful to them for all they do for us.
- And then there was this one time this really smokin' hot blonde with a magnificent rack came in with a really low cut shirt and she bent over the counter like really far so I could see what she had and then she asked me for a free ice cream cone. And I said no so she got pissed. If she was smart, she would've told me she would bend over AFTER I gave her the free ice cream cone first, because I totally would've done that because I was a teenage horn dog. But I'd gotten all I was going to get out of the deal so I said no so she got pissed.
- Although speaking of magnificent racks, one thing I actually will miss is the hot chicks coming in dressed very scantily in the summer. It's especially nice because when they're sitting down at a table and I'm standing up next to their table, let's just say it's an awesome view. Major boobage.
- Although I won't miss the chicks who come in dressed like that who shouldn't be dressed like that.
- Or all the ugly chick support groups we always got for some reason.
- Or the raging fat people who complain about how our biggest, most filling items, are too small for them. Like the raging fatass who filled out an online survey whining about how our sundae sizes have gone down (even though they haven't in the 12 years I've worked there). This lardass was complaining that it used to be that when he ate a Jim Dandy (a 5-scoop banana split that I can barely eat a whole one myself), he was stuffed and felt like he couldn't eat for a week. Now when he gets one, it barely registers as a snack and he's still hungry so we've made our sundaes smaller. Uh, no dude, you got fatter. Our sundae sizes haven't changed in 12 years, if a 5-scoop banana split barely registers as a snack for you, you're fuckin fat and you need to lose some fucking weight. Dude probably insists clothing makers have made their sizes smaller too, which is the only reason he needs to buy a bigger size.
- Or like the raging fat guy who called corporate to complain that our booth was so small that it "bruised his stomach." I've got a pretty big beer belly myself, and I'll admit our booths are not comfortable, but restaurants in general have smaller booths than are comfortable for me, but I have never once gotten a bruised stomach anywhere because a booth was too small. Again, if you're so fat that sitting in our booth gave you a bruised stomach, go on a fucking diet. Or ask to sit in at a table instead of a booth so it's not an issue. Oh I know, you don't want to do that because then you would be admitting that you're fat.
- Douchebags who, when they complain, try to establish themselves as experts so you know their opinion means more than the other jackasses that complain. The most common example is when people preference their complaint with "I'm not one to complain, but..." In other words, I'm supposed to take this chucklehead at their word that they've never complained about anything before, so I'm supposed to listen to this person as though their opinion is gospel, because if they're complaining, you KNOW something's wrong, as opposed to those other customers who just bitch because they like to bitch.
- Douchebags who, when they have a complaint, presume to know what is causing whatever problem they perceive. The best example of this one is a guy who comes in every once in awhile who is in some management position for the University of Dayton's food service, so every single visit he gives you a speech about how many years experience he has so he knows exactly what he sees (even though it's apples and oranges because there are huge fundamental differences between family restaurants and college food service). He then gives you a long-ass critique of how we are doing as a business EVERY FUCKING TIME HE COMES IN. Basically, if there was something he didn't like throughout the course of his visit, he tells you how the wheels are coming off and you're about to shut down because you're losing all your customers. If he likes everything throughout the course of his visit, he gives you a long speech about how impressed he is and everything has turned around and we're a model of a good business and he can tell that we listened to his advice because there is no way we could have turned things around without him. Uh, no asshole, we're not doing anything different, you just didn't like your server last time and this time you do like your server. My all-time favorite speech I got from the guy was one time he came in and his food took a long time because his server forgot to ring his order in, so the cooks didn't start making it until 10 minutes after he'd ordered. He then gave me a speech about how he can tell we're being cheap and not scheduling enough cooks because he couldn't personally see any and that's why his food took so long and until we're willing to open the checkbook and pay enough cooks and maybe even get more equipment because he doesn't think we have enough equipment, we will continue to lose good customers like him. And he decided all that because his food took too long, even after I explained that the only reason it took that long was because his server had forgotten to ring in his order until 10 minutes later. But he has been a food service manager at the University of Dayton for 175 years so he KNOWS what he sees and he isn't going to let facts get in the way of a good story.
- Kind of along those lines, douchebags who decide which person is to blame on occasions when there is a breakdown in service when they have no idea what they're talking about. Commonly when customers complain, the person they blame is directly a result of whether or not they liked their server. If they liked their server, the problem was the cook's fault, if they didn't, it was the server's fault. For example, I had a customer complain to me that when he got his food it was cold, and when he got his ice cream it was already melted. He then yelled at me to not even think about blaming his wonderful server because it was all the cook's fault. Actually asshole, if your food is cold by the time you get it, that means the server let it sit in the window too long after it was finished. And if your ice cream is melted, again, the server left it in the window too long after it was finished. Both of those problems were a direct result of this customer's server leaving food that was ready to be run in the window too long, yet this dickhole decided it was all the cook's fault because the server was cute and he was an old pervert.
- Along these lines, douchebags who are stupid enough to believe the bullshit their servers feed them to get a better tip. Like the guy recently who came up to the counter screaming at me for training my employees to steal from customers. He said he had ordered a Super Sizzlin' Breakfast, which comes with 3 eggs, 4 meats, toast, and home fries. He only received 2 eggs, 2 meats, and toast, with no home fries. He was extremely pissed off because his server told him that the cooks had shorted him. It didn't occur to him that maybe his server should've checked the order for accuracy before delivering it to him, and it also didn't occur to him that even if the cooks had shorted him, it could've been an honest mistake. So I looked at the man's bill and showed him where his server had rung in a Big 2 Do, which is served with 2 eggs, 2 meats, and toast. So his server had rung in his order wrong and lied to him because she wanted to get a good tip. So she threw the cooks under her boss rather than admit she had made a mistake. And his dumb ass actually believed his server and accused me of dishonesty because of his own stupidity in automatically believing an employee who works for tips. Servers as a general rule would sell out their own grandmother for a better tip. That's the nature of the job when the majority of your income is from tips. They don't want to admit mistakes to tipping customers and risk that customer giving them a smaller tip so they play the victim and hope to get sympathy from the customers. And customers are stupid enough to believe it. Here's a nickel's worth of free advice for restaurant goers, if you receive something different than what you ordered, it's your server's fault. 100% of the time. This isn't to say that cooks don't make mistakes, because they do, but if a cook makes a mistake, your server should catch it BEFORE that food is run out to you incorrectly. If your server gives you something different than what you ordered, either they rung it in wrong, or they didn't bother to check it before running it. Don't listen to any of their bullshit, because they're only after your tip so you can't trust a fucking word they say.
- Then there's the douchebags who are so obnoxious that even customers standing around them are laughing at them.
- Although even better are the douchebags who are so obnoxious that even their friends or family are embarrassed of them. My favorite is this family who comes in at least once a week, and usually everything is fine. But when the mom (who is a colossal behemoth of a woman) is PMSing, she finds something to complain about, and gets herself worked into a fit where her face is turning pink, she's huffing and puffing, and her eight chins are bouncing all over the place as she flails her arms around while screaming about how we're the worst restaurant ever (even though we both know she'll be back in a few days later when she's happy again after she's done PMSing. The best part is, the entire time she's throwing her tantrum, her husband is just staring down at the table trying to choose between murder and suicide because he's so thoroughly embarrassed of the gargantuan bitch he's shackled to.
- Kind of related, the douchebags who walk in the door pissed off looking to take their aggression out on anyone else. Like the bitch who came in a few years ago after Ohio had a really terrible wind storm that knocked out a lot of people's power for upwards of a week. She was pissed because she had no power, came in and didn't like the doneness of her steak (she wanted it rare, but said it was raw), so she threw it at me. Literally. I had steak blood on my shirt. After throwing her steak at me, that bitch then called my boss, the owner, and the corporate office the next day trying to get me fired because I wasn't smiling when I took out her remade steak and that was the rudest thing she had ever experienced anywhere. Really. Bitch threw a steak at me and tried to get me fired because I didn't smile at her when I had steak blood on my shirt. All because she was pissed off when she walked in the door and was looking for anyone to take it out on.
- Jackasses who feel the need to exaggerate when they complain about something. A common example is people who describe their food when they receive it as being "ice cold." Uh, no, "ice cold" means it is at 32 degrees or less, as that is the temperature at which water turns to ice. Our dining room is kept at 72 degrees, meaning unless an item is deliberately cooled, the lowest temperature it will possibly reach is 72 degrees, which is 40 degrees warmer than "ice cold." Not to mention your food was being kept under a heat lamp before it was run, meaning your food was likely at a higher temperature than 72 degrees even if it sat in the window for several minutes after it was done cooking. Point being, it is a scientific impossibility that your food was "ice cold." Say it's lukewarm or room-temperature, but if you describe food that can't possibly be cooler than 72 degrees as "ice cold," you are exaggerating. If you need to exaggerate when you complain, that means that deep down you know your complaint is petty, so you're trying to make it seem more drastic so you feel like you have a more valid reason to complain.
- Jackasses who compare us to fast food restaurants when they're complaining. The prices at a sit-down restaurant are higher than they are going to be at a fast food joint. You are also going to wait longer at a sit-down restaurant. That's why it's called a sit-down restaurant, because you sit down in the dining room since you will be there longer. The food quality and selection is also going to be much better, which is why the prices are higher and the wait is longer. If you order a hamburger at Friendly's, you are going to pay more than you would at Wendy's, and it's going to take longer than it would at Wendy's. You know what else? It's going to taste much better because it's going to be actual hamburger from actual cows that was made fresh to order instead of some processed mystery meat that was already done and sitting under a heat lamp before you even decided to go out to eat. If you're going to say we suck by comparison to somebody else, make it a valid comparison to a similar restaurant, not a completely different operational philosophy.
- Or like the jackass who said "Let's be honest. Friendly's isn't exactly 5-star dining." NO SHIT ASSHOLE. If you came into Friendly's with a picture of an ice cream cone shaped like a snowman on the window expecting a 5-star dining experience, you're a fucking moron. That's like going to Wal-Mart and complaining "Well, this is no Macy's." Again, a ludicrous comparison because it's a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT OPERATIONAL PHILOSOPHY. Each one has advantages and disadvantages compared to the other depending on what you're looking for. If you want to take the kids out for hamburgers and ice cream shaped like different things, go to Friendly's. If you want the best filet mignon you've ever had served by a guy in a tuxedo, don't fucking go to Friendly's. I mean is this shit really that difficult for people to grasp?
- But I think what I may miss least of all are the fucking assholes who are a pain in the ass, then threaten to never come back as if that's a bad thing. Asshole, if you cost us more money than what you bring in, you're not a customer, you're a leech, and losing a leech is not a bad thing. And if you're an insufferable prick and you stop coming in because we won't bow down and kiss your ass, you're welcome to try another restaurant, but I guarantee they won't take your shit either. Most of the time when assholes yell and bitch that they're never coming back, you see them a week later. We have a group of bus drivers that I really wish would take a fucking walk like they've been threatening for years. They treat their server like their own personal slave and expect you to ignore every other customer in the restaurant to take care of them. They will literally start banging their coffee mugs on the table if they want more coffee. One of them actually broke a coffee mug that way, then blamed his server because if she weren't off goofing around with her other three tables she would have been able to do her job and give him more coffee so he wouldn't have had to bang on the table. They once demanded I schedule their favorite server to be there Monday through Friday every morning because they refused to let anyone else serve them. I laughed at them, so they yelled at me and said they'd never be back. They came back a week later. They've done this more times than I can count, and every time they leave, they find that other restaurants don't let them pull that shit either so they end up right back in our hair a week later.
BUT NOT ANYMORE! NOW YOU ASSHOLES AREN'T MY FUCKING PROBLEM ANYMORE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! EAT A DICK!
So for all of you assholes, douchebags, and dickheads that have been coming in and pissing me off for the last ten years, I just have one thing to say...