Bill (who is apparently my biggest fan) writes:
At least I think that's what your name is. If not I apologize. Your website rules. I agree with you on everything. It's like you're the Ohio version of me, or I'm the Illinois version of you. We agree on almost everything. Like you, I hate Christmas (worst holiday of the year by far) I despise the Green Bay Packers. But I'm a Bears fan, so try not to hate me too much. And what you said about the Olympics is right on point. I thought I was the only one who said, "nobody cares about weight lifting or gymnastics the other 3 years, but all of a sudden during the Olympics its rammed down our throats" It's almost as if I have a thought of my head and some how you think of it too, and put it on your website. I read your early work, and the article you wrote "Things I'd rather do than go to church" had me dying of laughter. Also, I agree 100% of what you said about Home Improvement, in your 5 crappy family tv show article. It's the same damn show over and over. It's scary how we agree on almost everything. The only two things I disagree with you over, is I actually like baseball, but I do admit it's boring as hell. And I liked Seinfeld, but it's not for everyone. Some episodes were really stupid. Getting back to your article on the packers. It's sickening how those assholes are in every commercial. I hate that long haired fag Clay Matthews. Aaron Rodgers is good, but Joe Buck (cant stand that asshole) and Troy Aikman slob his knob more than Madden ever did to Favre. (Well not really but give them time). Anyway. Your website is awesome. And I hope you continue writing for years to come. Hopefully fatherhood doesn't keep you too busy. Good luck with your newborn
Your biggest fan,
First, let me apologize for not getting back to you sooner. As it turns out, having a newborn baby is fucking hard and it takes up a lot of time. As a result, I've not spent nearly as much time writing as I have in the past, and I had completely neglected to check my email for weeks apparently. So I guess what I'm saying is, it's all my son's fault.
Having said that, I'm glad to hear you're an intelligent person that agrees with me on so many things, although if you truly are the Illinois version of me, then I'm truly sorry to hear about your severe social retardation and your tiny crooken penis. But take heart, you're not alone. And I'm glad we see eye to eye on so many things, because it means there's at least one other person out there who isn't fucking stupid, which is always nice to hear. And as for the things you do disagree on, everyone's allowed a few vices I suppose, and if baseball, Seinfeld, and the Bears are your worst ones, then you're doing pretty good.
And actually, while as a Lions fan I am required by blood oath to despise the Bears for all eternity, their fans actually don't bother me. Bears fans have never come off as overly jerky or obnoxious like Packer fans or Patriot fans for whatever reason. Could be because they've not won a Super Bowl in almost 30 years and it's hard to brag when the face of your team has a permanent scowl like a little fat kid who was just told he could only have one slice of cake for dessert (and yes, Jay Cutler, I'm looking at you). Of course, I can also identify with Bears fans because I know what it's like as a fan to watch your team have the exact same problems year after year while your team does nothing to correct it. Lions fans, for example, have had to endure a God-awful secondary pretty much since the days of Night Train Lane and Dick LeBeau, and the Lions' brass insists on building the secondary by signing scrubs who would be backups on any other team and drafting guys in the 7th round out of Never Heard Of This Guy University. Similarly, for Bears fans, the fact that the team refused to get any legitimate starting receivers for years (until Brandon Marshall) while pretending that Devin Hester was a legitimate #1 receiver had to be excruciating, and I feel your pain.
However, as far as Aaron Rodgers is concerned, you're right, football broadcasters in general just cannot get enough of the smell of his ass crack, because they've got their heads up there non-stop it seems. And I'm sure he's a swell guy and all, but seriously, enough already. Matt Flynn threw for 500 yards and 6 TDs in one game in that offense (a game which Aaron Rodgers has never matched), and Flynn couldn't even beat out a rookie for the starting job in Seattle, and for a team to go with a rookie over a newly acquired free agent with a big price tag, that's saying something.
As far as being my biggest fan, you better be careful. I'm sure there's ones of people who would disagree with you on that. Right now, they're probably sitting in the dark in their parents' basement with their Star Wars t-shirts, unwashed hair, and their butt cracks hanging out thinking they're my biggest fan, and you're just a poser, and they would kick your ass if they had the motivation to get on their fat scooter and leave the house. And I'm pretty sure there's at least one chick who reads the site that was a really big fan, too, because she said she wanted to be my girlfriend. Although I've been watching that Catfish show on MTV recently, and that show taught me that any girl who wants to date you on the interwebz definitely has a dick, so maybe I don't have any female readers after all.
Anyway, whatever the hell I was saying. And not to worry, I have no plans to stop writing any time soon. Back when I first started the site, my close friends said they'd give it six months before I got bored with it and quit. That was in 2004. It's now 2013. And I went to public school, so my math ain't so good, but I'm pretty sure that's longer than six months. So while the frequency of new content has slowed down considerably with the new addition, I figure as long as I enjoy writing and people enjoy reading what I write, I'm going to keep doing it. Thanks for the email and I'm glad you enjoy the site.
Feel free to email questions or comments to email@example.com
guys sitting in the dark in their parents basement on their fat scooters resent the fact that I assume they're wearing a Star Wars t-shirt