As I examined last week, America is fucked. We have a choice between two of the worst possible candidates for President that the two major parties could possibly come up with. Seriously, there are 300 million people in this country, and these two assholes are the best we can do? If there was ever an election that cried out for the abolition of the two-party system, it's this one.
What blows me away the most is that this election shouldn't even be close. A year ago, people were so tired of Obama that a retarded monkey could've beaten him in an election. This should've been a repeat of the Obama/McCain election where all the Democrats had to do was nominate any smiling jackass and they'd be able to beat the Republicans in their sleep. This should've been the same thing, but for the Republicans. So what'd they do? They just managed to find quite possibly the only living human being that could actually lose to Obama. It's mind-boggling that Obama has been so bad, yet Romney might be even worse.
Either way, we're fucked. That's all there is to it. So with that in mind, I've devised a survival kit with everything you'll need to have on hand to weather the storm, regardless of who wins today's election.
IF OBAMA WINS, YOU WILL NEED:
• A good-sized cardboard box to move in when your job gets cut to pay for mandated health insurance required under Obamacare.
• A roommate to help overcome the pay cut you'll likely take if you manage to not get laid off.
• To stay clear of all churches and Vegas wedding chapels, as there will be a stampede on gay marriage licenses and ceremonies.
• A bigger food stamp pouch.
• More space on your hard drive for four more years of Obama and Biden “Youtube moment” videos.
• An updated resume.
• A prepared speech to explain your kids why you've given them more debt in one decade than the previous ten generations combined.
IF ROMNEY WINS, YOU WILL NEED:
• A plane ticket to fly to China to get a job.
• A top hat, monocle, and pocket watch so you can try to fit in with the rich folk so you will have a President that cares about you.
• An Etch-A-Sketch, so you can keep track of what the new policies are today.
• Books for your kids to read, as educational TV will no longer be an option.
• A bomb shelter for when all the pissed-off Muslims attack us because Romney pissed them off.
• A bomb shelter for when the English attack us because Romney pissed them off.
• Investment earnings and Cayman Island accounts so you can take advantage of his tax policies.
• Perfect health in your old age so you don't get completely fucked by his Medicare voucher system.
• A binder to put all your women in for when he asks for them.
• A solar-powered car so you'll be okay when he goes through all the coal and oil since he doesn't believe in renewable energy sources.
• Investments in bankruptcy firms, as their profits will skyrocket under the “Bankruptcy is the best option” administration.
NO MATTER WHO WINS, YOU WILL NEED:
• Anal lube, as either way, our assholes are going to be really sore four years from now.