I decided that since I like email so much, I'd start writing some of my own.
Dear Barry Bonds,
Once upon a time, professional sports had integrity. Once upon a time, professional athletes played for the love of the game, instead of the love of the rock star lifestyle. Once upon a time, professional athletes didn't stoop to cheating, placing their own personal glory above the fans, their teammates, and the integrity of the game they loved.
Those days, it would appear, are over. You stand poised to overtake Hank Aaron and break arguably the most prestigious record in baseball, thanks to the help of steroids.
I remember a time when a player was stripped of a record because that player, years later, in a totally unrelated act, dragged Major League Baseball's name through the mud by undermining its integrity. The player had everything he earned stripped away because the MLB was unhappy with an ethical decision the player made. His record was expunged, and his spot in the Hall of Fame revoked. That player, of course, was Pete Rose, MLB's unofficial all-time hits leader. During a stellar career, Rose earned his spot at the head of the all-time hits list. He worked hard, didn't cheat, and took his place at the top of the baseball world.
Then, years after breaking the record, Rose made a mistake, He gambled on Reds' game which he coached, marring the integrity of his team and the entire league. For Rose's sins, he was removed from the Hall of Fame and the record books, officially erased from existence in Major League Baseball.
So what does Pete Rose have to do with you? Everything, because if Pete Rose doesn't deserve to hold baseball's all-time hits record for an unrelated ethical mistake made years later, you certainly don't deserve to hold baseball's all-time home run record which was achieved by being a cheating faggot.
The fact is, not only do steroids shrink your balls to the point where you have almost no manhood left, they are blatantly cheating. Using illegal substances as a shortcut to big muscles is the lazy way to athletic success. Using steroids to give yourself a competitive edge makes a poor example for young athletes and compromises the integrity of the game that has made your rich and famous. For you to wrongfully sit at the top of the home run list ahead of Hank Aaron, one of the greatest players to ever pick up a bat, (and coincidentally, not a fucking cheater) is nothing short of a crime. For you to be bestowed with such accolades is to proclaim that cheating is OK in Major League Baseball.
If you have any shred of integrity left in your cheating heart, retire after you hit 754. Leave Hank Aaron alone at the top, where he deserves to be. And where you do NOT deserve to be, you cheating piece of shit.