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According to a recent article in the National Enquirer, Clay Aiken is gay. Or at least gay enough to have gay sex with a gay man he met on a gay singles site. For those of you who don't watch American Idol (and who can blame you, certainly not I) and don't pay much attention to current celebrity affairs, Clay Aiken was a runnerup on the shitty "reality" TV show American Idol.The basis of the show is that no-talent ass clowns who don't even write their own music show off their singing skills in front of a has-been chick singer, a pissed-off British fart knocker with a stick shoved up his butt, and some random black guy whose qualification to judge musical talent has never been explained to me. After not even being able to win on this shitty TV show, Mr. Aiken went on to further degrade the piss-poor quality of the contemporary music industry by accepting a record deal to sing shitty songs to sold-out crowds of fat, ugly, middle-aged housewives who refer to themselves as "Claymates." I'm not kidding about that last part either. About a year ago, Mr. Aiken had a show about a three-minute drive from my apartment and I saw a herd of groupies at a restaurant. They were all overweight, middle-aged, ugly, and had on shirts that said "Claymate." Really. Throughout his musical career, Mr. Aiken has had to deal with a barrage of homosexuality accusations, to which he has responded with decidedly not-gay photos of himself, like this one found on his official web site, clayaiken.com.

Now come on, how can you possibly look at that picture and think this man is gay? He's clearly the country's foremost ladies' man, as his following of scores of middle-aged housewives can show.

Anywho, in a recent interview with The National Enquirer, one of the country's most trusted and reliable news outlets, former Army Ranger John Paulus claims that he and Mr. Aiken had an intimate relationship. Private Poo-stabber claims that he had placed a personal ad (the Man seeking Man kind) on a singles site, hoping to score some nice gay lovin', and that Aiken responded. He claims that Aiken requested he keep their relationship discreet, as he apparently didn't want the world to know that he was a butt-fucking, rump-riding, pillow-biting, butt-pirate. Private Poo-stabber goes on to describe their relationship, including an especially steamy gay sex romp where they played swords at a hotel.

As a quick sidebar here before I get to just why this news shocks me so much, I'd like to point out how interesting it is that this is considered newsworthy. First, as I have said before, I don't consider the gay lifestyle wrong or threatening to me as a person, and I do think homosexuals deserve the same rights as heterosexual couples. But what's funny is our reaction to gays as a culture that pretends to be tolerant of gays. Here we live in a society that claims that homosexuality is not a big deal, that it's natural, and that there's nothing funny or degrading about someone who prefers dudes, yet when someone is accused of having a gay affair, it's a really big deal to the media. If homosexuality were really not a big deal, this news wouldn't be popping up on my home page when I log onto the internet. I mean if some random chick had claimed to have had sex with him, nobody would have cared. Yet when a man claims to have had wild-monkey-butt-love with him, it's news. Not that I really have much of a point to any of this. I just enjoy pointing out the dichotomous nature of our politically correct society to all the people who give me shit for being so politically incorrect.

So anyway, back from the sidebar. To this point many of you have probably assumed the title of this article was written with sarcasm, as it's been made fairly obvious to this point that I happen to agree that Clay Aiken is queerer than a three-dollar-bill. But nevertheless, reading about this legitimately shocked me. I mean think about it, a gay Army Ranger? Who woulda thunk it?

 

Crap from 2006