Christmas brings with it a lot of traditions. They all suck. So here's some new ones I propose.
Every time some asshole says "Merry Christmas," I punch them in the dick. In addition to being frilly bullshit chatter as though people actually give a fuck about each other, this phrase just sounds annoying. You say "happy" for every other fucking holiday. Happy Halloween. Happy Easter. Happy Thanksgiving. Yet somehow, Christmas isn't happy, it's merry. That's fucking retarded. It sounds British.
Every time some dickwad goes out on public with a Santa hat, I break their kneecaps. Santa hats and anyone who wears them are asinine and ridiculous.
Every time some dumb fuck talks about keeping Christ in Christmas, I set them on fire. Christmas is not a Jesus holiday, get over it. It's a catch-all, conglomerate, clusterfuck of a holiday that combines a plethora of Christian, pagan, and completely non-religious traditions into one giant orgy of a holiday. Sorry dumbass, but most of the traditions and ideas that have become associated with Christmas have nothing to do with Jesus or Christianity. There were pagan celebrations this time of the year well before Jesus. He just kind of absorbed them into his holiday over the years. If you don't believe me, open a fucking book.
Every time some bastard says something about someone being under mistletoe, I pull down the mistletoe and shove it up their ass sideways. Mistletoe is for ugly people who never get any without some shitty holiday tradition to use as a begging crutch.
Every time some Salvation Army Santa rings a bell at me, I take the bell out of their hands beat them in the face with it. Ringing a bell at me doesn't make me want to give you my money. It makes me want to beat you up and steal yours.
Every time some shitty pop artist comes out with their own version of the same fucking Christmas songs that have been released by 8 million people, I hit them in the groin with a tire iron. As annoying as Christmas music is, it's even more annoying when the same people redo the same fuckings songs over and over.
Every time some shitbrain talks about how Christmas brings out the best in people, I kick them in the stomach so they double over, then I force them to bend all the way until they are kissing their own ass. Christmas brings out the worst in people. Crime, greed, and violence are at their highest in December. Just look at what Christmas does to me. It makes me want to punch people in the dick, set them on fire, and shove mistletoe up their ass.
Every time some jackass reads this list and says "Well Bah Humbug Mr. Scrooge!" and then laughs as though they've actually come up with something funny and original, I kick their ass so hard their ears bleed.
people are replacing all their family traditions with my new ones