Some people are assholes. And by some people, I mean everyone. Anne Frank was full of shit when she wrote of the inner goodness of people, because deep down, everyone has an inner asshole just dying to get out. In some people, that inner asshole shows itself more than in others. The following test will show you how big of an asshole you really are. Grab a paper and pencil and read on:
1. If you saw somebody hurt on the side of the road as you were driving by, you would:
a) Give them a ride to the hospital. (0 points)
b) Call an ambulance. (1 point)
c) Do nothing. (5 points)
d) Run them over. (10 points)
2. Internet piracy is:
a) Wrong. (0 points)
b) Wrong in some cases (1 point)
c) Funny (5 points)
d) Your principal means of income (10 points)
3. Your first job was:
a) An honest, legal job that didn't hurt anybody. (0 points)
b) Telemarketing. (1 point)
c) An illegal or ethically questionable job such as stealing or being an errand boy for the local Mob. (5 points)
d) Beating up little kids for their lunch money. (10 points)
4. Other people:
a) Should be treated with respect since we're all in this together. (0 points)
b) Annoy you. (1 point)
c) Put you in an angry, violent mood. (5 points)
d) Don't deserve to breathe your oxygen. (10 points)
5. If you were a cashier and someone tried to pay you with a credit card that got declined, you would:
a) Apologize and ask them if they have another method of payment. (0 points)
b) Cut their card up. (1 point)
c) Laugh at them. (5 points)
d) Yell so everyone in the store could hear you "Hey everybody! This guy's poor!" (10 points)
6. When telemarketers call, you:
a) Politely tell them you're not interested, then hang up. (0 points)
b) Hang up without saying anything. (1 point)
c) Tell them to fuck off. (5 points)
d) Don't say anything, but set the phone down, without hanging up, and let the person stay on the line until they finally figure out that you aren't listening anymore. (10 points)
7. When another person tells a sad story about a child, you:
a) Listen sympathetically. (0 points)
b) Don't pay attention. (1 point)
c) Laugh. (5 points)
d) Tell a "dead baby" joke. (10 points)
8. People who have lifestyles or make life decisions that are different from your own:
a) Are appreciated, because they bring different viewpoints to light that you may not have considered otherwise. (0 points)
b) Are still entitled to their opinion, even though you think they are wrong. (1 point)
c) Must be retarded. (5 points)
d) Can promptly die in a fire. (10 points)
9. If you had a coworker you found difficult to get along with, you would:
a) Try your best to coexist and hope things improved. (0 points).
b) Ignore them. (1 point)
c) Try to get them fired. (5 points)
d) Seduce their significant other. (10 points)
10. You think deep down people are really:
a) Good at heart, some of them just make some bad choices along the way. (0 points)
b) Good or bad mostly depending on their environment. (1 point)
c) Only looking out for themselves. (5 points)
d) Out to get you. (10 points)
11. You view dating as:
a) A fun experience useful for getting to know different people. (0 points)
b) A necessary evil. (1 point)
c) A way to get pootang. (5 points)
d) A contest to see who can get the most people to fall for them. (10 points)
12. Religion is:
a) A necessity in living a satisfying life. (0 points)
b) Not a necessity, but a good ethical foundation. (1 points)
c) A barrier to a successful life. (5 points)
d) A good way to keep the little people in line. (10 points)
13. If you had a child from an unplanned pregnancy, you would:
a) Never let it know it was unplanned. (0 points)
b) Tell it that it was unplanned, but say it wasn't something you regretted. (1 point)
c) Tell it that it was a mistake you've regretted ever since. (5 points)
d) Name it Oops. (10 points)
14. Senior citizens are:
a) A good source of advice with a wealth of life experience. (0 points)
b) Okay to interact with on Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter. (1 point)
c) Just people in nursing homes. (5 points)
d) The source of my future inheritance. (10 points)
15. Friends are:
a) Valued people who enrich your life. (0 points)
b) Good cures for boredom. (1 point)
c) Entirely replaceable when I lose one. (5 points)
d) People I keep around to feel better about myself by comparison. (10 points)
16. My family:
a) Is the most important group of people in my life. (0 points)
b) Can be kind of annoying. (1 point)
c) Is a group of strangers who, by some fluke, happen to share DNA with me. (5 points)
d) Is there to raise my illegitimate bastard children so I don't have to let them cramp my lifestyle. (10 points)
17. If you are out in public and a stranger starts a conversation with you, you:
a) Chat pleasantly with them. (0 points)
b) Nod and smile, but don't do anything to further the conversation. (1 point)
c) Ignore them. (5 points)
d) Slap them. (10 points)
18. If you came across a lost child in a store who was looking for their parents, you would:
a) Take them to an employee and have them announce the lost child's name over the intercom. (0 points)
b) Point them in the direction of an employee, then go about your way. (1 point)
c) Ignore them. (5 points)
d) Tell them their parents were killed in a horrible accident. (10 points)
19. When kids come trick-or-treating on Halloween, you:
a) Give them candy. (0 points)
b) Give them vegetables. (1 points)
c) Answer the door with a gun. (5 points)
d) Hide in the bushes with a hose and spray them with water. (10 points)
20. You find this web site:
a) Disturbing, horrifying, and inappropriate. (0 points)
b) Interesting. (1 point)
c) Funny. (5 point)
d) The most insightful and relevant social commentary you've ever come across. (10 points)
Well, add up your score and see how big of an asshole you really are.
If you scored 0-10...
You lying piece of shit. Who do you think you're fooling? Nobody's buying the goody-goody bullshit. And your claims to being so nice kind of make me suspicious. Sort of like the vibe given off by...
If you scored 11-25...
You're not too bad. You may be a decent person overall, but you can be a pain in the ass sometimes. Just like...
If you scored 26-50...
People who fall in this category are usually more self-absorbed. They spend all their time looking out for themselves, and will do anything to further themselves, regardless of the consequences to other people. Just like...
If you scored 51-100...
This is the category where the men start to separate themselves from the boys, so to speak. People in this category are not content merely looking out for themselves. Instead, they prefer to manipulate and use other people to further their own selfish interests. Just like...
If you scored 101-150...
If you fall in this category, you probably don't have many friends, if any, and that probably doesn't bother you. People in this category are characterized by the lack of any semblance of a moral compass. Just like...
If you scored 151-200...
Dick with Ears.
What can I say. You are one evil dude. You really have to try to get in this category. If you scored this high, it's safe to say that nobody likes you. Just like...
old, retired white guys who go to church eight times a week don't see why I think Bill O'Reilly is such an asshole