As some of you may be aware, I am a restaurant manager, which means I do a lot of hiring, interviewing, and application sifting. And I enjoy having a hand in the running of our business and bringing people in, but sometimes it makes my head hurt because of the overwhelming amount of stupidity I'm subjected to by people who actually think I'm going to be impressed with their idiocy. It's amazing, really. People think that just because it's a restaurant any yahoo can walk in and get a job. Not true, but people still seem to think so. We get about 2-3 applications a day, more if we have "Now Hiring" signs up, and with a staff that only ranges from 30-40 on average, we clearly don't need to hire every yutz that applies.
It's bad enough when people are so clueless that they can't present themselves professionally in a job interview, like the guys who come in for interviews wearing a wife beater and three days' growth of a beard, but what really gets me is the people who can't even manage to do something as simple as filling out a job application. At any given time, we have a stack of applications half a foot thick. With that many people wanting jobs, your application is your chance to impress me enough to call you and set up a job interview. Some of the applications I get make me shake my head. Spelling and grammar errors, words crossed out, whiteout, scribbles, doodles, and questions left blank make me really wonder just what the hell these people were thinking when they handed me that application.
The following are all actual application responses from actual people trying to get me to give them a job. The information in black is questions from our application, the red is the applicant's response, and the green is my take on it. And I swear to God each one of these is an actual response. In past versions of this I've had emailers who tell me they don't believe some of the responses are legitimate but they are. I wish I was making some of these up, but I am not. These are honest legitimate responses on honest legitimate job applications from people who I assume actually want a job and think these responses are going to get them one.
Part One - General Data
In this section, people fill out such basic information as their anticipated start date, availability, and type of work and hours they're looking for. Sounds simple enough, but apparently not to some. Like the girl who decided to fill out each line of her application with a different colored pen. And like these people:
Work Hours Preferred: "Minimum wage." And he deserves every penny.
Referral Source: "Research." So somebody was actually doing research and decided the best job to apply to is mine. I have a hard time believing that.
Referral Source: "Just walking down the street." Singing Doo-Wah-Diddy. Diddy-Dum. Diddy-Doo.
Work Hours Preferred: "5-40." Quite a range there.
Work Hours Preferred: "Required." ?
Referral Source: "Employee referral." That's fine, I just can't figure out why she decided to write it in rather than just check the "Employee Referral" checkbox.
Part Two - Personal Data
In this section, people fill out slightly more difficult information, such as their name, address, phone number, and employment eligibility information. And this really throws off some people, like the application I got listing a phone number that went to a plumbing company. And these people:
Phone Number: "You can leave a message too." So this is one of those kids with their newfangled phones that you can leave messages on. I hate technology. You kids and your damn music.
Are You Legally Eligible To Work In The United States: "Only if I get a job." Well yeah, I guess that's true. If you can't get a job, you aren't really eligible to work, are you?
Part Three - Education Data
In this section, we ask for educational information including high school/colleges attended, courses of study, and whether or not people graduated.
High School Attended: "I don't remember." How the hell do you forget what high school you went to?
Part Four - Employment Data
Now here's where the men separate themselves from the boys. This is the section with the absolute best responses. Like the guy who worked at Wendy's for three years, yet spelled it "Wendi's" on his application. And the guy who spelled "Frisch's" wrong three separate ways in different places on his application. And like these people.
Reason For Leaving: "Got robbed too many times." Personally I'd like to know what the cutoff is for an acceptable number of times being robbed.
Reason For Leaving: "Scheduling conflict with school." This didn't strike me as odd, until I noticed that the girl goes to school at my alma-mater, Wright State University, and the job that conflicted with her school schedule was an administrative assistant job...at Wright State University. The sad thing is, as someone who went there, that situation made perfect sense to me because that's about how efficient that school is.
Reason For Leaving: "Not enough hours and my bowling team intervened." I can't even tell you how many employees I've lost over the years to those dreaded "Bowling Team Interventions."
Job Skills: "I type 50 words a minute." Impressive. Not sure how that helps at a restaurant job, but impressive nonetheless.
Job Skills: "Leadership gained through football." Okay this one just made me lol. Fucking self-important jocks.
Reason For Leaving: "Let go for lack of bissiness." You sure it wasn't for your lack of spelling?
Reason For Leaving: "Open for discussion." This was the reason given on a re-application from a former employee who had done a no call/no show because she couldn't find anyone to work her shift and her friends were partying that night.
Reason For Leaving: "Dislocated." Yeah he "dislocated" from Michigan to Ohio. Kind of like how I "dislocated" his application to the waste basket.
For more actual application responses see:
and you want me to give you a job?
and you want me to give you a job? (Part 2)
and you want me to give you a job? (Part 3)
and you want me to give you a job? (Part 5)