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As many of you are aware by now, I am a restaurant manager. At my job I do a lot of interviewing and hiring and August is our biggest hiring time of the year. We lose a lot of employees who either move away to college or local students cut back their hours. It's also a big month for headaches for me because of the overwhelming amount of stupidity I'm subjected to by people who actually think I'm going to be impressed with their idiocy. It's amazing, really. People think just because it's a restaurant any yahoo can walk in and get a job. Not true, but people still seem to think so. We get about 2-3 applications a day, more if we have "Now Hiring" signs up, and at least 95% of the applications I get aren't worth a shit

. It's bad enough when people are so clueless that they can't present themselves professionally in a job interview, like the guys who come in for interviews wearing a wife beater and three days' growth of a beard, but what really gets me is the people who can't even manage to do something as simple as filling out a job application. At any given time, we have a stack of applications half a foot thick. With that many people wanting jobs, your application is your chance to impress me enough to call you and set up a job interview. Some of the applications I get make me shake my head. Spelling and grammar errors, words crossed out, whiteout, scribbles, doodles, and questions left blank make me really wonder just what the hell these people were thinking when they handed me that application.

The following are all actual application responses from actual people trying to get me to give them a job. The information in black is questions from our application, the red is the applicant's response, and the green is my take on it. Enjoy. And know that these people who are too dumb to get into a sit-down restaurant are probably working at the Taco Bell you just ate at. Fun huh?

 

Part One - General Data

In this section, people fill out such basic information as their anticipated start date, availability, and type of work and hours they're looking for. Sounds simple enough, but apparently not to some, like the guy who wrote down that he wanted 15 to 20 hours and also wrote down that he wanted 40 hours. And the lady who wrote her name next to "Position Applied For." And like these people:

Position Applied For: "Disher." Disher? One who dishes?

Position Applied For: "Cok."

Availability: "Negotiable." Yeah, sorry, but I don't hire people to negotiate with them. If you can't work the hours we need, we move on to the next.

Availability: "Depends."

Hours Preferred: "6 hours." Yep, six hours. Seems totally worth getting a job to me.

 

Part Two - Personal Data

In this section, people fill out slightly more difficult information such as their name, address, phone number, and employment eligibility information.:

Have you been convicted of a felony in the last 5 years: "Yeah but just for messing with a minor." Best response ever.

Have you been convicted of a felony in the last 5 years: "Fight, please ask in person." So apparently he had a good reason for comitting felonious assault.

 

Part Three - Education Data

In this section, we ask for educational information including high school/colleges attended, courses of study, and whether or not people graduated. Some interesting responses here, such as the guy who listed one high school, crossed it out, and wrote another one in. And this guy:

College Attended: "Ohio State if they accept me." I'm sorry, I should clarify. This is supposed to be education HISTORY, not education WISHLIST.

 

Part Four - Employment Data

Now here's where the men seperate themselves from the boys. Like the guy who wrote the word "Conflict" after "Reason For Leaving" and then apparently thought better of it because he crossed it out and wrote "Seasonal." And like these people:

Position Held: "Ass Man" Sounds like a porn star. I assume it's supposed to be assistant manager but it gave no hint of abbreviation. Just ass man.

Reason For Leaving: "Quite" This is two strikes in one response. Not only is it a no-shit response, but it's not even spelled correctly.

Reason For Leaving: "Gas too expensive." Apparently, the job was too far away to drive, but they had only just started the job two months ago. Wouldn't you think the price of gas would've entered consideration BEFORE accepting a job?

Reason For Leaving: "Legal reasons." This one just screams winner.

Reason For Leaving : "Kitchen change." Apparently they didn't like the new wall-paper.

Major Duties: "I don't remember."

Reason For Leaving: "Had a baby!" Yes, the exclamation point was actually on the application.

Reason For Leaving: "Fired." This person was fired from the Burger King in Xenia, Ohio. Better known as the home of the high school dropout who made national headlines last year for recording himself taking a bath in the dish sink at the Xenia Burger King. If you get fired from the same operation that employs people who bathe in the dish sink, wow. Just wow.

List Major Duties:

Reason For Leaving: "Not hours cut." Well good, at least we're narrowing it down.

Reason For Leaving: "Overtime." No other explanation. Didn't say if it was because he wanted overtime, didn't want overtime, or what overtime had to do with him leaving.

Reason For Leaving: "I need to make more money." This is a good reason to look for a job, but this person quit the job they weren't making enough money at without another one lined up and had been out of work for three months. How is being unemployed better for your finances than having a job that pays less than what you would ideally like to be making?

Reason For Leaving: "Let go." The funny thing with this one was, it was from a church. Sorry, but if Jesus fired you, I REALLY don't want you.

Position Held: "I don't remember."

Dates Employed: "Ask." Didn't we already ask on the application?

Reason For Leaving: "I worked here as a summer job when I was in school but then at the end of the summer I started school again so I had to quit because I didn't want to have a job while I was in school." Apparently just writing "Summer job" or "Seasonal" just wasn't going to cut it.

Reason For Leaving: "N/A" Sometimes you see N/A and it's actually legit, such as when people are looking for a second part-time job so they're not actually leaving their current job, but every job this person has ever had they listed N/A as their reason for leaving.

Reason For Leaving: "Moved." Normally this doesn't set off warning bells, but this person had left three jobs in three cities in less than a year because she moved three times. Sounds like a stable individual.

Dates worked: "20 years off and on." Because what every employer wants is a soap opera employee who pulls an annual Brett Favre and leaves, only to come back.

 

For more actual application responses:

and you want me to give you a job?

and you want me to give you a job? (Part 2)

and you want me to give you a job? (Part 4)

and you want me to give you a job? (Part 5)