At my job, I'm something of a gatekeeper when it comes to hiring people. I may not have the final decision on who gets hired, but I do most of the rooting through applications looking for diamonds in the rough, and I do most of the first-round interviews. Essentially, I make a lot of decisions about who gets interviews, and who gets to move on to have an interview with the General Manager, which usually means you have the job (unless he happens to notice a glaring red flag which I somehow missed). In other words, the majority of people who get jobs working where I do have to go through me at some point. We're coming up on a big hiring season, with roughly 15 employees either cutting back their hours or quitting because of school. That has meant an official shit-ton of interviewing, application-sifting, and talking to applicants on the phone. And let me tell you, for the most part, I haven't been impressed.
Some of the interviews I've done have been pretty painful to sit through. Of course there's the dipshits who come in with a wife-beater on, their baseball cap turned to the side, and their pants hanging down so you can see their boxers. And there's the dipshits who insist that every job they've ever had they've left because of bad management. And the ones who can't understand why every manager they've ever worked for always yells at them because they are always the best worker at their job. Then there was the dipshit who, when asked why he left his last job said "My boss was a bitch, she was always making me do work and shit." Yeah, that sentence very quickly ended that interview.
The phone calls have been pretty bad, too. Like the guy who, when asked if he would be available to close said, "You mean like at night?" Or the dumb bitch who called at a very inappropriate time asking about an application, so I gave her a two hour time-frame to call later that day when I would have a chance to talk to her, explaining to her that if she called after that, I'd be working on my shift-changing work so I could leave. So naturally she called half an hour after the time I told her not to call after. So I explained she'd have to call back the next day as I was about to leave and wasn't about to stay late on my time to discuss her application, at which point she insisted I do it then because it wouldn't take long. So I told her if she couldn't follow a simple instruction about when to call that I didn't have a job for her, and I hung up.
But the most painful part of the whole process for me has been rooting through applications to find that 5% that isn't complete shit. What I don't get is how people don't understand that in order to get a job, they have to convince me they aren't retarded assholes incapable of so much as filling out a fucking job application. I don't expect everyone to be a Rhodes scholar, but Jesus Christ, it's like some people are trying to look like dumbasses. Here I've taken the liberty of listing some actual responses on applications I've received that are apparently from real people. The information listed in black is the information on our company's application, the red is the applicant responses, with my smartass responses in green.
Part One - General Data
In this section, people fill out such basic information as their anticipated start date, availability, and type of work and hours they're looking for. Sounds simple enough, but apparently not to some, like the guy who filled out an application and left the section with his work availability blank. And like these people:
Job Applied For: Work (The first of many "No shit" responses you'll see here.)
Date Available: Soon (Doesn't really help me.)
Date Available: That depends if you hire me (So when are you available if I don't hire you because you're a moron?)
Date Available: When I get back from vacation (This guy put in his application, then immediately left on vacation for a month.)
Availability: 10 and up (What the hell does this even mean? Up as in higher numbers, like until 12? Up as in earlier? AM or PM?)
Part Two - Personal Data
In this section people fill out slightly more difficult information such as their name, address, phone number, and employment eligibility information. I was ready to call one person to set up an interview, until I noticed she hadn't left a phone number or any way to get in contact with her. Then there was the guy who on the address line started to write one address, then apparently changed his mind because it was crossed out and a different one was written in. Which brings me to another point. How do people not realize how poorly it reflects upon them to turn in job applications with spelling errors, words crossed out, and whiteout all over the page? And then there were these geniuses:
If under 18 state Age: Yes
Do you have legal permission to work in the United States? N/A (Apparently they were applying to do something other than work.)
Have you been convicted of a felony in the last 5 years? I got a speeding ticket last year (He didn't give a description of how fast he was going over the speed limit to qualify as a felony.)
Part Three - Education Data
In this section, we ask for educational information including high school/colleges attended, courses of study, and whether or not people graduated. Some interesting responses here, like the guy who circled both yes and no in the box asking if he'd graduated high school. And the people who graduated from schools, yet don't remember what those schools are. And the people who are apparently totally uneducated fucks who never even made it to high school who leave this section blank. And these Einsteins:
Course Of Study: Classes
Course Of Study (High School): English, History, Math, Spanish, Science, etc. (I guess "College Prep" or "General" wasn't descriptive enough.)
College: I want to go to Ohio State (And I want to be a porn star, that doesn't mean I'm going to put it on a fucking job application.)
Part Four - Employment Data
Now here's where the true dumbasses really start to shine. Like the people who leave the entire section blank (excluding 16-year olds who may have actually never had a job before) or the people who leave gaps of a year or more in employment or don't include employment dates, apparently thinking I'm stupid and won't notice something fishy like that. And like these people:
Dates Employed: A long time
Name And Address Of Employer: I don't remember (To be fair, they did have this job almost two years ago.)
Name And Address Of Employer: The movie theatre
Name And Address Of Employer: My dad, his address is the same as mine (I'm glad your daddy gave you a job, mind telling me the name of his business?)
Position Held: Team member
Position Held: Laborer
List Major Duties: Work
List Major Duties: A lot of stuff
List Major Duties: Babysitting three young kids (No wonder I have a college degree but I'm a fucking family restaurant manager, my resume isn't nearly as impressive as it could be. I need to add all the lawns I mowed. And all the chores I did for my allowance. And the time I helped my uncle drywall his office for twenty bucks and a copy of Donkey Kong Country. I'm sure to get the job offers rolling in now.)
Reason For Leaving: Got pregnant (This was listed as her reason for leaving three jobs in a row. And, not surprisingly, she hadn't graduated high school. How much you wanna bet there's three different fathers?)
Reason For Leaving: I don't remember (Gee asshole, that doesn't look suspicious at all.)
Reason For Leaving: Laid off when company downsized (This would be believable if the job were a steel mill or an auto parts plant or something like that, but nope. Burger King. Fucking Burger King. How fucking stupid do these people think I am?)
Reason For Leaving: Got new job
Reason For Leaving: Quit
Reason For Leaving: They pissed me off (And you pissed me off. Thanks for coming.)
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to interview some trained monkeys who I anticipate will be much better employees than these dick clowns.
for more actual application responses
people wouldn't like to work for me, because I'd just make them do work and shit