I have a confession to make. I don't consider myself a very political person, but if pressed on my political opinions, I would have to admit I'm a conservative Republican. I know it just isn't very cool right now to be a conservative Republican when every dumbass in Hollywood and in the Rolling Stone puts Republicans right up there with the Nazis and the Anti-Christ. To be fair, I'm not over-the-top in my political opinions and there's a lot of issues I flat-out disagree with most conservative Republicans on. For example, I am against abortion, but I support gay marriage. I don't favor increases in minimum wage and welfare benefits, but I do support more economic restrictions on big businesses and tightening of loopholes that allow them to get away with murder on their tax returns.
I'm not saying all this to spark any sort of political debate, it's actually a lead-in to my latest movie review. You see, it's so cool right now to be a pissed off Democrat and to shit all over everything Republicans do and believe in. And by cool I mean cool in Hollywood and the music business. It's very vogue to play a concert and spend an hour and a half talking about the evil Republican oppressors and spend forty minutes playing the songs that people bought the ticket to see you play. It's also the expected norm at every major Hollywood awards ceremony to receive an award for something you did having nothing to do with politics whatsoever, go up front, thank Jesus, and spend the rest of your allotted speech time talking about what an asshole George Bush is and why everyone that votes Republican is an inbred Satan-worshipper.
Frankly, it's getting very fucking old. We get it that all the celebrities are angry at the Republicans. Every time an election rolls around you get a bunch of angry attacks on Republicans from Hollywood from high-profile Democrats who think that being a celebrity somehow gives them a better insight than what us normies have so they go out of their way to shove it down our throats. We're bombarded with anti-Republican hype and propaganda that's 20% distorted, out-of-context facts and 80% bullshit.
And then I read about something different. "An American Carol," a spoof/political satire movie written by and starring some of Hollywood's most unapologetic Republicans. For so long the Republicans have just taken it like a bitch but finally someone had the balls to actually fight back. The premise of the movie is that a Michael Moore lookalike (named Michael Malone) who makes anti-American movies criticizing the government, military, and Americans in general is trying to abolish the 4th of July. He is then visited by the spirit of his hero, John F Kennedy, who warns that he will be visited by three spirits (who turn out to be the ghosts of George Patton, George Washington, and a generic angel of death played by country singer Trace Adkins) to show him the true meaning of being an American and showing him the error of his ways. I thought, okay, this sounds interesting, and it might even be worth a laugh or two. But mostly I was excited because it was something different for a change. And when I say I'm glad the Republicans are finally standing up for themselves I'm not counting FOX News and Bill O'Reilley. You see, I don't really consider them Republicans, I consider them dipshits that largely just embarass the shit out of the rest of us by being so ignorant.
So I went to the movie theatre yesterday hoping for a change. And it was a change. Instead of loud-mouthed Democrats twisting shit around, inventing facts, and generally making asses of themselves I got to see Republicans twisting shit around, inventing facts, and generally making asses of themselves. Don't get me wrong, I had a few laughs and the movie did make some good points, for example the necessity of war and a strong military because without war, the south would be its' own nation with slavery still allowed and Hitler may not have been stopped. The movie also succeed in making some of the perenially loud-mouthed Democrats look like the dipshits they are, but they also made themselves look just as bad, if not worse. Some of the things that were actually shown/said/portrayed/suggested/spoofed in the movie included:
-Bill O'Reilley. Yes, I actually paid to see a movie in which Bill O'Reilley had a speaking role. My asshole still hurts.
-Paris Hilton. See previous statement.
-Making fun of Rosie O'Donnel's assertion that radical Christianity can be just as dangerous as radical Islam by showing a video "Rosie O'Connel" makes to support this statement showing nuns and priests hijacking planes and busses using crucifixes as weapons. Yes, hilarious, except for the fact that radical Christianity can be credited with the likes of the Crusades, Spanish Inquisition, and a little thing called the Holocaust, as well as countless other wars and atrocities commited over the years in the name of Christianity.
-A line spoken by Bill O'Reilley in which he criticizes Michael Malone (Moore) because even though his films aren't as crazy as "Rosie O'Connel's" his are more dangerous because he twists shit around and then some people actually believe him. Yeah, like I said, my asshole still hurts.
-The portrayal of the ACLU as zombies for their unending defense of civil rights such as the seperation of church and state and the right against unreasonable or unwarranted search and seizure. Yes you did actually read that right. They criticize the ACLU for defending the Bill of Rights. Again, that's CRITICIZED THE ACLU FOR DEFENDING THE BILL OF RIGHTS.
-In one such scene two Arab men are stopped at an airport to be searched because the airport security people think they are terrorists, apparently just because they look suspicious (read: because they're Arab). The ACLU zombies show up and flash that damn Bill of Rights in security's face, so the two men walk away and proceed to blow up the airport. The lesson here is, I guess, that stopping and searching people because of their skin color can stop terrorists so it's good. While we're at it, why don't we let racist cops arrest every local black person when a crime is commited just in case one of them happens to be guilty? Maybe this is difficult for rich white people to understand, but I firmly believe that no person should be treated like a criminal or a terrorist just because of the color of their skin. The ACLU believes the same way, but apparently we're the bad guys. Oh and incidentally all the "good guys," including a judge, kill the ACLU zombies on sight because due process is also included in the Bill of Rights, which is apparently a bad thing because it allows terrorists to kill people.
- A sign at a demonstration supporting gay marriage because of over-population. The implication behind this is one of the oldest, most clung to, and yet most completely false and irrelevent reasons for the continued denial of human rights to a very large segment of our population. The theory, which I have heard many times, yet never defended well, is that gay marriage will lower the human population because same-sex partners cannot reproduce. The fact that people cling to this argument is almost laughable, except that it's about a matter so serious. Any time someone makes this claim, what they are saying is that allowing gay marriage will make people gay. In other words, the only thing keeping straight men from a good old fashioned ass-pounding is a ban on gay marriage. I mean really, how the hell is allowing gay marriage going to suddenly make everyone gay and wipe out the human race? I don't know about the rest of you, but I am heterosexual because I'm attracted to women, not because I only married a woman because I couldn't marry a dude. I didn't think to myself "You know what? I really enjoy some rough-and-tumble butt lovin' but I can't marry some big hairy man, so I guess I'll have to settle for a woman." And if you haven't noticed, disallowing gay marriage hasn't stopped gays from being gay. Gays are still gay, whether or not they can get married. Banning gay marriage isn't keeping people from being gay any more than allowing gay marriage will result in straight men leaving their wives and jumping head-first into a big old naked pile of man-sausage.
-A musical number (yes, a musical number, again, asshole, hurts, yada yada) in which it was stated that you can do anything but pray in college. Apparently they never went to college because an awful lot of private colleges are actually run by churches and offer religious services (and not just "religious colleges" that require religion courses and church attendance either). I took a tour of the University of Dayton, a heavily Catholic school, though not a religious school, per se, where it was made abundantly clear that Mass attendance, though not mandatory, was strongly encouraged. Even state schools, such as the school I attended, offer school facilities for use by religious clubs and organizations, and also have school-wide "moments of silence" in which you get to pray to whatever God or Gods you happen to believe in (or think about your favorite football team's next big game if you're an atheist like me). Besides, anyone who tried to stop you from praying (assuming you weren't disrupting others) would immediately be hit with a lawsuit for infringing on your right to practice your religious beliefs. Except that's in the Bill of Rights, which we all know by now is bad because it lets terrorists blow shit up.
-Repeated hints on why America is/should be a Christian nation, again despite that evil Bill of Rights. For example, in one of the scenes in which those damn ACLU zombies are blown to bits they were invading a courtroom to remove the Ten Commandments because apparently the Ten Commandments belongs in courtrooms of a government that was founded to get away from government-imposed religion. Why do people make the argument that the Ten Commandments should be in courtrooms when our laws don't uphold the Ten Commandments? Most of the Commandments are either not upheld or would violate the Bill of Rights were we to uphold them. "Thou shalt have no other Gods before me." Violates the prohibition of the establishment of any religion. "Thou shalt not bow down to any graven image." Ditto. "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain." An awful lot of people do this on a daily basis at least once. "Honor the Sabbath day to keep it holy." Again, most people will work at least one Saturday (or Sunday since the Christians took some creative liberties with this one) over the course of their life."Honor thy father and mother." This is anything but law, and in cases of parental abuse or neglect the government even steps in and removes the child from the situation. "Thou shalt not commit adultery," may be on the books in some places, but it is rarely enforced by anything any more serious than grounds for divorce and child support or alimony. "Thou shalt not bear false witness" is only against the law when under oath or in legal documents. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, house, etc." is not even remotely against the law. In fact, the advertising industry spends billions each year to ensure that you covet everyone else's shit. The only two Commandments that are actually upheld by our law are "Thou shalt not kill" and "Thou shalt not steal," which have been a part of pretty much every legal code ever written since the beginning of time, so they can hardly be attributed fairly to the Ten Commandments. So really, what business do the Ten Commandments have in courtrooms that don't uphold them anyway?
-An assertion that Michael Moore abuses freedom of speech. Whatever happened to Voltaire's "I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it"? I may think he's an obnoxious dipshit but he has every right to be an obnoxious dipshit.
-More fat jokes than South Park. Michael Moore's fat. We get it. Resorting to cheap fat jokes or B.O jokes every forty-five seconds just makes the writers look either immature or not creative enough to come up with better material.
-More unapologetic racism than Family Guy. Between Arab stereotype jokes, slavery jokes, and the implication that Arabs should be searched just for looking like terrorists, I'm really shocked that something this politically incorrect was actually a politically-oriented movie.
I would expect that liberal Democrats would be offended by such obnoxious bullshit, but I never expected it to be so obnoxious it would even offend their target audience, which is people who allegedly think the same way as them. When we walked into the movie theatre, there were nine people sitting down (to be fair, it was an early showing so I'm not surprised at the small audience). Two more came in after the movie started, making 11 total people (assumedly conservatives) who came to watch this movie. When it mercifully ended there were 4 people left, meaning about 2/3 of their target audience got up and left during the movie.
I'm glad I'm not the only one with a sore asshole.