I've got mail:
Dear Randy,
I recently had a conversation (a pleasant one for me) with a co-worker. She gleefully informed me of a pie she had made the day before and expressed her remorse that she didn't bring a slice with her to work today. She followed that statement with a "I shouldn't have brought one with me anyway", reminding herself and I of the fact that she is not the thinnest person. Now, as you would probably have done, I'm not about to tell her to shut the fuck up with her bullshit small talk while I'm trying to read your article about Dumbass Rednecks from 2005. But she made this comment while simultaneously chowing down a bag of potato chips (cheddar cheese Ruffles if I was to guess).
So in true spirit of cutting the crap I replied "Well that slice of pie wouldn't be worse than the chips you're eating right now". She got offended. She said she didn't ask me my opinion on the chips and said "You didn't think that was a rude comment?" I said no and that she is just sensitive. She said most people would have thought it was rude, and so I said that's because most people are too sensitive. She said "Well I never have to speak to you again unless it's related to work". My reply was "good".
Your thoughts? What classification of people that you hate does this fall under?
That comment was not rude. If anything, it was helpful. Your coworker seems to be genuinely concerned about her weight because she decided not to eat a piece of pie (insert your own woman eating pie joke here). You, as a concerned citizen, noticed something that she must have missed in her quest to not be so fat (the potato chip eating), and helpfully pointed that out. If anything, she should be grateful to you for your dietary advice. Much the same way I had a coworker a few years back complaining to me about how she couldn't lose weight because of her bad thyroid gland as she was shoveling M&Ms into her mouth by the handful. I helpfully pointed out that she also had a bad hand because it kept stuffing her face with fatty foods. Now, for some reason, you and I are seen as "rude" instead of "helpful." I don't get it.
All kidding aside, this demonstrates one thing I hate. Talking for the sake of talking is so culturally acceptable and expected. People just love to hear the sound of their own voice and if they think something is interesting, they assume everyone else thinks it's interesting too. Talking should be a means, not an end. So many people consider talking to be an end in and of itself and it drives me fucking crazy. This fat bitch came in to work because she was excited because she made a pie and she assumed you would be excited about her pie, too (again, insert your own pie joke). I'm picturing Nina from the movie "Office Space" with cherry pie filling running down her cheeks as I'm writing this. Don't ask. So anyway, the fat bitch assumes you want to hear about her pie, so she interrupted you to tell you about it, assumung that her pie was more important than whatever else you could be doing at the moment. Then she has to drag the story out and take up as much of your time as possible with a "should I or shouldn't I" sollioqey about the merits of eating a piece of said pie. And you're the rude one? Fuck that, the fat bitch is the rude one! Fuck her and her pie!
I just hate people who talk for the sake of talking. Like when you go in to work and someone comes up to you and says "Well I had an interesting night last night" or something to that effect, hoping you will then say "What happened?" This is doubly offensive to me because it's painfully obvious that they are just dying to tell you a story that will most likely be very lame, yet they don't want to come across like they're dying to tell you the story, so instead they try to bait you into asking what happened. I usually just ignore those people, but then they just end up telling me the story anyway.
If you ask me, (and you did) people should only speak when they intend for some tangible result to come from the conversation. Again, talking should be a means, not an end. Talking without purpose is just a waste of oxygen. This type of conversation is especially annoying when you go to a restaurant and your server tries to buddy up with you so you think she's nice and you tip her more. I fucking hate that. I go to restaurants to eat, not talk to people I don't fucking know. I hate empty conversations with strangers that accomplish nothing. When they ask you if you have any plans for the weekend and you tell them, they don't care, and you don't care. I think Our Lady Peace said it best. "Talking is just masturbating without the mess." Although speaking of masturbating, one time a few years back when my waitress asked me what my plans were for the evening, I answered honestly. I said "Probably going home to watch TV, then masturbate and go to bed." The manager asked me to leave because I was harassing the girl. Um, no, that bitch asked me what my plans were like she wanted to know. It's not my fault she asked a question she didn't want to hear the answer to. What a bitch.
And what boils my blood even worse is all the masturbatory comments people write on Facebook. I absolutely detest the people who give up a status update about their lives every fucking hour. I don't give a shit if you're going shopping, or you woke up late, or you hate rainy days, or your dog has diarrhea, or you like the new burger from McDonald's. I don't fucking care. If you do more than one Facebook status update per day, you are a self-important, narcissistic, piece of shit. And Facebook just made it even worse when they made all their recent changes. Now Facebook picks out updates or messages they think you will find particularly interesting and marks them as "Top Stories." Really? Really? REALLY? You want to fucking mark people's inane, masturbatory bullshit as a fucking TOP STORY? Are you fucking kidding me? How about top ridiculous motherfucking bullshit? That's more accurate. Seriously, my current TOP STORY on my Facebook is that someone who I don't even actually know uploaded three pictures. That's a fucking top story?
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are not rude. It's everyone else that won't shut the fuck up that's rude.
Although speaking of Facebook, now that I've totally shit all over it, be sure to check me out on Facebook at facebook.com/randybrowncomedy so you get updated every time I wipe my ass.
Thanks for the email and thanks for reading the site.
randy
Feel free to email comments or questions to mail@acrappywebsite.com. Also, I'm planning on recording an episode of "A Crappy Web Show" in the near future where I answer reader and viewer emails so if you would like your question considered to appear on a future episode of "A Crappy Web Show," email the question to mail@acrappywebsite.com with the heading "Web Show Question."