All I want for Christmas is...


Diplomatic immunity so I can go around slapping people for being stupid and not get in trouble.

The death of the rap industry.

An announcement from Fox that they realized their mistake and that Greg the Bunny is coming back in place of American Idol.

Speaking of American Idol, I want a public news conference featuring Simon Cowell announcing his retirement, along with an apology for being such a stupid asshole.

Ditto for Jack Black.

A guy with a sound board following me around everywhere I go inserting appropriate sounds into my everyday life. For instance, when I tell a joke, I get a laugh track played. When I kick someone's ass for being a dick clown, I hear applause.

My own theme music would be nice too for every time I walk into a room. I nominate either "Sharp Dressed Man" by ZZ Top or "Back in Black" by ACDC.

A promise from the world's Jehovah's Witnesses to never ever again come to my door to tell me about how cool Jesus is or leave propaganda pamphlets on my windshield.

Ditto for Mormons. Actually I take that back. Mormons are funny. They amuse me. They're just so gosh darned nerdy and proper.

A stretched Hummer. I'd never seen one before today, but now I have to have one. From the back, it just looked like an unusually tall stretched limo, but when I got to the front I noticed it was actually a 30-foot Hummer. I bet you could pick up a lot of chicks in a stretched Hummer.

No more people I hated in high-school becoming major celebrities. One Super Bowl winning quarterback is more than enough already. Unless of course they were celebrities in the sense that they kept going on the Jerry Springer show or Howard Stern made them regular laughingstocks. There's some good candidates for that one. Like the girl who went crazy and took a taxi to Indiana because God told her he was waiting for her in Indiana.

A butler.

ESP so I can tell people to shut the fuck up without having to open my mouth.


crap from 2006