Well, it's 2012. and as we all know, that means that at some point during the year we're all going to die a horrible fiery death in some great cataclysmic event. So since we're all going to die anyway, I thought it would be a good time to look back and reflect on how shitty the entire history of time has been.
Movie I'm Glad I Didn't See:
"The Passion of the Christ." Remember back when this movie came out and the Jews were all, like "Mel Gibson's obviously an Anti-Semite" and the Christians were all, like "No, he's not, he's a fine upstanding role model of a human being." Lols.
Movie I Wish I Hadn't Seen:
"The Sound of Music." Longest....................movie.................ever. And shittiest.....................movie........................ever. I blame my mother for forcing me to sit through that bullshit when I could've been in my room masturbating instead.
Worst TV Show Ever:
"I Love Lucy." Ugh, I've never even seen an episode of that shit, yet I've still seen so much footage of that show through clips in other shows and venues. I've probably managed to see that clip of her in a pie-fight at the factory seventy-five times. It's like they took "The Three Stooges," took out the stooges, and replaced them with some annoying, unfunny, high-pitched bitch.
I would have said anything starring Dick Van Dyke, but the fact that you could say the words "Dick" and "Dyke" on TV back then makes me lol.
Worst Music Artist Ever:
The Beatles. Annoying, overplayed, repetitive, and sounds like teenage girls playing on toy instruments. For all the musicians I've heard who claim to have been inspired by the Beatles, I have yet to hear any of them who actually sound anything like the Beatles, leading me to the conclusion that they only say it because it's the cool thing to say in the recording industry. Like how people thank Jesus whenever they get an award because that's the cool thing to say.
Worst Artist Artist Ever:
Pablo Picasso. Dude, seriously, what the fuck? I mean really dude, what the fuck?
Biggest Asshole Ever:
Earl Hebner. "No Bret, I swear on my kids' lives I'm not going to screw you out of your title in your match against Shawn Michaels in Montreal. Oh wait, I just did." What a dick.
Biggest Dumbass Ever :
Admiral Isoroku Yamamato. "So the United States has been insistent on staying out of World War II so far, which has lead to our side winning the war. I know, why don't we launch a big fucking sneak attack on them for no discernible reason and with no prior warning? I mean what are those pussies going to do about it?"
Biggest Failure Ever:
The guy who read the Bible, got his calculator, and predicted the date of the rapture. And was wrong. Twice.
The "Who Gives A Shit" Event of All Time:
The Protestant Reformation. Everyone was Catholic Christian. Then some people were Protestant Christian." Tomato, tomato.
The "Ha Ha, You Got Arrested" Award:
Louis XVI. The moment he went on the guillotine was the highwater mark for the consequences of entitlement.
And you all should be proud of me, because there was a time I would have said "Jesus Christ" just to get a rise out of people, but I didn't. I'm all matured up now.
The "Ha Ha, You Went Crazy" Award:
Vincent Van Gogh. Brilliant artist. Cut his own ear off. Doesn't get much crazier than that.
The "Whoops, I Just Destroyed My Career" Award:
Shirley Temple. For hitting puberty.
My Personal Favorites:
Now this was a really tough decision even with listing ten articles instead of the traditional five, but I have to go with:
My Next 30 Years - Reflections on turning 30.
56 Things I Will Not Fucking Miss About Working at Friendly's - Self-explanatory.
I Have No Shame - A list of chicks I thought about while whacking off.
BOOBIES! - A tribute to boobs.
If I Nailed Kirsten Dunst - How it would go down if me and Spiderman's Mary Jane Watson hooked up.
All About Fishing - The horrors of watching my relatives fishing at a digsuting lake.
The Pro Bowl Sucks - Self-explanatory.
Where's My Tickets Bitch? - Calling in to a radio contest on a local country station.
Why You Shouldn't Give A Shit About the Environment, Or Animals, Or Any Of That Hippie Bullshit - Why Earth Day is stupid.
Take Off Your Fucking Santa Hat Asshole, You Look Like A Douche - Self-explanatory.
people think the tribue to boobs should be #1