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Well, the Super Bowl is upon us, and all is well in the world. Except for a few things...

 

1. Fuck the 49ers.

I realize it's been about twenty years since your last Super Bowl win (oh the horror!), but can't you assholes take a back seat for a couple hundred years? Seriously, all those titles during the Montana/Young years, and now they're back for more? Greedy bastards. There are five teams that still have yet to even play in a Super Bowl, let alone win one. And the Texans and Jaguars don't count, because they're (relatively) new teams who haven't been around that long compared to the other teams that have yet to make it. As a Lions fan, I share a certain solidarity with the long-suffering fans of the Chargers and the Browns. Trust me. We just want one Super Bowl win in our lifetimes. Just one, and we'd be happy, but not 49ers fans. They somehow think that they've been suffering because their team had, like, three or four years of losing records. And speaking of fans who should appreciate what you've got because you're in much better shape than most...

 

2. Fuck the Ravens.

Seriously, Browns fans are the most shat-on group of sports fans in the history of sports. Not only do they lose their beloved Browns, but then they get to watch the team that used to be their Browns win a Super Bowl just a few years later, something the team was never able to do while in Cleveland. And now the Ravens are playing in another Super Bowl after fielding a consistently good team for the last decade, while the Browns are still stuck in their never-ending loop of futility. Damn, when Lions fans are feeling bad for you, it's bad.

 

3. Fuck the poser fans.

I really wish the NFL would lose some popularity so the Super Bowl Sunday fans would shut the fuck up with their "I only watch for the commercials" bullshit. Seriously. How would you assholes feel if someone came into the movie theatre during your Twilight movie's opening weekend, only to loudly talk about how you're only there to see the previews, because the actual movie is going to be boring horse shit? Yeah, that's what it feels like for us, so go watch your fucking commercials somewhere else. Seriously, the Super Bowl commercials never live up to their reputation anymore, anyway. There's only one or two commercials each year that are even funny anymore. Most of them are just shitty, unfunny dreck that tries way too hard.

CBS has the Super Bowl this year, so all week long they've had their morning show on location in New Orleans with special guests talking about literally everything else other than the actual football game. The other day they had the bitches from "The View" on (or one of those shows where fat bitches pretend they know about politics and shit, whatever, they're all the fucking same, go to hell) and the stupid whores were talking about Beyonce singing during the halftime show and whether she was going to lip-synch or not. Fuck Beyonce, and fuck the halftime show. It's not about that. And on a sort of tangent, how is it the Super Bowl halftime show completey skipped my generation? All my life I spent every year listening to some dinosaur band or some shitty pop singer my parents listened to playing the halftime show. And every year, I just figured my time would come when I got older. While I never expected to see Nine Inch Nails or Godsmack playing the halftime show, there are a few bands I've loved over the course of my lifetime that are absolutely popular enough to get a Super Bowl halftime gig. But I just kept waiting, and the closest thing they ever got to being of my tastes was when Aerosmith did the show, but of course they had a cameo by Britney Spears. Because if there's one singer who seems like she belongs on the stage with Aerosmith, it's Britney Spears. So anyway, whatever the fuck I was saying. Some shit about old, shitty bands and I'm waiting for someone I like. Then all of a sudden, the NFL realized all they were doing was featuring the same sort of bland dinosaur bands every year and they wanted to appeal to a younger audience. So now we've had groups like the fucking Black Eyed Peas and now Beyonce doing the halftime show. Are you fucking kidding me? Not only have they totally given up on finding acts with a broad fan base, but they completely skipped my generation. They went from shit that was too old for me to shit that's too young for me all at once. Fuck my life.

The whole thing reminds me of when I used to go to church like a thousand years ago and every Christmas and Easter the church would be packed because there would be a ton of people who would literally only go to church on those two days. I used to hate that shit. If you're not going to go year-round, don't go on Christmas and Easter and pretend like you're church-goers and act like you belong there. Fucking posers. The best would be when people would talk to other people and pretend like they always go and say shit like "Oh we're always here, but we usually sit near the back so that's probably why you've never seen us before." So being the dick that I was, I would butt into the conversation and point out what fucking liars these people were. But yeah, people who never watch football other than Super Bowl Sunday and then all of a sudden pretend like they're fans because they think it makes them cool can all fuck themselves. Posers.

 

4. Fuck Ray Lewis.

Seriously, fuck Ray Lewis. Can somebody please explain to me how Ray Lewis is different from OJ Simpson? That's right, you can't. Both were accused of murder, both were not found guilty, and both ended up paying the victims' families large sums of money. Oh wait, there was a difference. O.J. Simpson was at least found innocent by a jury trial, whether you agree with the verdict or not. Not only was Ray Lewis not found innocent, he wasn't even tried because he plea bargained down to an obstruction of justice charge. Oh yeah, and that obstruction of justice would be from when he destroyed the suit he was wearing the night of the murders. At least O.J. just did a bad acting job and tried to convince people that the bloody glove didn't fit. Ray didn't even let the bloody suit make it to court.

But somehow, while O.J. Simpson is (rightfully) all but disowned from the NFL and is almost never spoken of, and never spoken of in a positive light, Ray Lewis is revered and looked up to. Can somebody please fucking explain that shit to me? Because from where I sit, that's pretty fucked up. Yeah, he's one of the best players ever at his position. So was O.J. So how is Raw Lewis any different? He should have been exiled from the league and forced to live his life in shame, but instead he's a fucking poster boy for the NFL, and during a week in which Joe Flacco has been criminalized for using the word "retard," and whoever that guy was on the 49ers who said he wouldn't accept a gay teammate was raked over the coals, people are talking wistfully about a fucking murderer and how we're going to miss him when he's gone. I just love how Wes Welker's wife went on Twitter and posted that stuff about him (that was all true) and somehow, she ended up being the bitch in that situation, and she was the one that has to apologize. I don't get it. We protect the guilty, and vilify the ones who call them out on it. Unbelievable.

Oh well, at least with the deer antler spray bullshit there are some people who have seemingly woken up and remembered just what a piece of shit he really is. So I guess there't that at least.

 

5. Fuck Kaepernicking.

First of all, I'm fucking sick of all the memes. Ever since the Tebowing bullshit began, it seems like every time any NFL quarterback poses, it becomes an instant meme. We've had Tebowing, Bradying, Griffining, and now Kapernicking. Just because one celebrity does something doesn't mean a billion assholes have to copycat it every fucking time.

Secondly, Colin Kaepernick is far from the first person to ever kiss their bicep, and he's trying to fucking trademark it? Are you fucking kidding me? Can I trademark the high-five? I mean sure, lots of people do it and have done it for years, but I want it to only be associated with me. And yes, I know he wants to put it on t-shirts so he can raise money for some charity for sick kids or something, so don't email me. While what he wants to do for charity is respectable, it doesn't change the fact that trying to trademark something you didn't come up with is still incredibly douchey.

As a matter of fact, from now on, every time some asshole says "Kaepernicking," I'm going to correct them and say "You mean "Steinering"? While Scott Steiner certainly wasn't the first to kiss his own bicep, he may be the first well-known person to become so closely associated with it. Not to mention he is clearly the most badass individual to be associated with it.So from now on, if you say "Kaepernicking" I am going to correct you. Besides, which one looks more impressive:

 

Kaepernicking

 

or

 

Steinering?

 

Yeah, that's what I thought. And that's the other reason I'm calling it Steinering. Because I'd rather piss off Colin Kaepernick than Scott Steiner any day of the week. Because if you piss off Scott Steiner, he will go to your house, beat the shit out of you, do a pushup on your face, piss on your unconscious body, bang your girlfriend, then take a picture of himself Steinering while he teabags you. And I want no part of that, so from now on, it's Steinering, not Kaepernicking. Get it right, assholes.