Well, 2009 is almost here. And once again, 2008 was a bust. Another year without my first million dollars or first threesome with supermodels. Oh well. There's always next year...
Movie I'm Glad I Didn't See
Twilight. A vampire chick flick. Am I the only one that sees that as completely contradictory? That would be like a Die-Hard movie starring Martha Stewart.
Movie I Wish I Hadn't Seen
An American Carol. And yes, my asshole STILL hurts.
TV Show I'm Glad Ended
TRL. It's finally over. After years of incessant screaming by teenage whores with sub-par IQs, it's over. Maybe there's a God after all. Or maybe the MTV execs started going deaf from all the screaming.
Shitty CD Of The Year
Guns n Roses' Chinese Democracy. This isn't 1990. Nobody gives a shit about Axl Rose anymore. I'm sick of hearing about his shitty CD that took 15 years to make and doesn't have a single decent song to show for it.
Shitty Music Artist Of The Year
Britney Spears. I realize there's nothing people in "The Bizz" get a boner over faster than a good comeback story, but us normal people get really tired of them. Celebrities get millions of dollars thrown at them, then piss it all away with drug use, unprofessional conduct, or a selfish lifestyle, then get multiple chances to get millions more thrown at them again because Hollywood loves a comeback story. It's all very insulting to those of us who will never have even one opportunity like that.
She made lots of money off nothing more than being hot and being able to sing shitty music other people wrote. She made a plethora of terrible decisions in her personal and professional life, went crazy, and keeps making "comebacks" that last only as long as she can manage to keep herself off the front page of the paper. Us normies are done with her. With the exception of that sexually-confused crybaby on the internet we're done. Stop putting her on our radios and TVs. Give that opportunity to someone who has worked hard for it and won't fuck it up. Ship Britney off to Alaska. We're done with her.
The "Who Gives A Shit" Event Of The Year
Michael Phelps' record-setting Olympic run. I don't understand everyone's fascination with the Olympics to begin with. Most of the "sports" aren't anything that most people watch anyhow besides when it's the Olympics. I mean really, when was the last time other than during the Olympics that gymnastics was considered a spectator sport? Yeah, that's what I thought. But anyway, back to Michael Phelps. Sure, he won like a bajillion medals, but it was in swimming. If it had been in something important like football or beer drinking, then maybe I'd be impressed. But as it is, it's kind of like a really good male cheerleader. Sure, he may be really good at what he does, but who cares?
Retard Of The Year
Shia Labeouf. Between the Transformers franchise and the heir-apparent to Harrison Ford in the Indiana Jones franchise he managed to make every guy in the country jealous. He also seemed to be the one young actor who actually had his shit together and wasn't going to piss it all away by being stupid. And then he got arrested. Twice.
The "Dammit! I Thought You Were Dead!" Award
The New Kids On The Block. The award title pretty much sums it up.
The "Whoops, I Just Destroyed My Career" Award
Christian Bale. He starred in "The Dark Knight," which ended up being just about the biggest movie ever made. And then he turned himself in to the police....................................................for assaulting his mother and sister. Whether this little domestic indiscretion will actually hurt his career long-term is still up in the air as he's got both the Batman and Terminator franchises going for him. But I just can't see where beating up his momma is going to help him.
Also this year I decided to do something a little different as part of my year-end wrapup. I thought it would be fun to look back at my site over the course of the last year and pick my favorite articles. I won't say they're the best because I don't think that's for me to decide, but they are my personal favorites. Enjoy:
1. Time Warner = Retards pt 4 in which I take on Time Warner yet again, this time following some phone harassment at work from some foreigner who didn't want to accept that the person he was calling for wasn't there.
2. Best Wedding Ever about the comedy of errors that was my wedding day.
3. Predictions For The Next Ten Years in which I look into my crystall ball.
4. The Ground Beef Shit about all the different kinds of excrement.
5. Disney World Park Rules in which I explain the mostly neglected park rules that help keep Disney World a fun place to vacation.