As I'm sure you're all aware (and if you're not, I get to be the bearer of good news) all taxpayers will be receiving (or have already received) $600 in our government's attempt to get the economy moving in the right direction. Fortunately, this means my evil plan has almost come to fruition. You see, while most of you suckers will only be getting $600, I had the foresight to get married at the last possible opportunity so I will be receiving $1200. At which point I'll be able to run to the courthouse, get my marriage annuled, and go back to the single life $600 richer than I would have been otherwise. Ha.
Of course, if I'd really been smart, I would have had me a few illegitimate bastard children for another $300 a head. Oh well, even evil geniuses like myself miss opportunities from time to time. Now my only problem is what, oh what, to do with my $1200? I could get...
A beer for myself and 479 of my closest friends at a local bar.
Or better yet, 480 beers for me. I could be like that Futurama episode where Fry spent all his government refund on cups of coffee so by the end he was all wound up and jittery from all that coffee. Only instead of being really wound up I'd just be falling all over myself and talking about my penis a lot, as I am wont to do when I'm drunk.
Or even better yet, I could get 200 pitchers of beer, which is even more beer, which is even more drunken Randy, which is even more drunken ramblings on here.
171 cheap seat tickets to watch the Reds lose.
40 All-You-Can-Eat-Seat tickets (a fabulous idea if I've ever heard one) to watch the Reds lose.
About 10 copies each of every shitty Steven Segal movie ever made that are just sitting around taking up space in a Wal-Mart bargain rack somewhere.
The DVD collections of every Simpsons episode ever made, with enough left over to put the next 20 seasons on reserve.
Based on his going rate in his new contract with the Dolphins, I could hire the NFL's #1 draft pick Jake Long for just a hair over six seconds.
52 of each flavor of donut currently produced by Krispy Kreme.
60 cheap hookers who probably all have AIDS.
1 good hooker who probably still has AIDS.
4000 of those fancy flavored condoms bought at a bulk rate for guys like me who have chicks literally lined up out the door just waiting to hop on the Randy-go-round.
Admission to 640 really trashy strip clubs.
Admission to 240 slightly less trashy strip clubs.
1200 tips for strippers at said trashy strip clubs.
About three gallons of gas.
Oh wait, I got it. 120,000 pennies to chuck at old people as they walk by. Yep, that's what I'm going to use it for. Or maybe I'll spend half on booze, and half on pennies to chuck at old people while drinking the booze.
people are totally going to chuck their government check at old people